Category Archives: Conflict Style Training

Info, ideas, and resources for conflict style trainers.

How to AVOID Conflict Gracefully

 

Sometimes when there’s a conflict, the best thing to do is say nothing and just drift away.  Or to say firmly, “Let’s not take that on right now. ”  If you’re good at selective conflict avoidance, you will have a greater sense of order and control in your life.

This post is the first in a series to help  you expand your skill with the five styles of conflict interpersonally or in leadership.  In each post I’ll show you several transition phrases for one particular style – in this post that style is Avoiding. Each of the five styles of conflict in Style Matters – which are similar to those found in the venerable if now out-dated Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument – will feature in posts that follow.

Not everyone needs this post!  It’s especially useful for people who find conflict Avoiding difficult or scored low in Avoiding in their score report.  If you scored high, stay tuned for future posts on styles you are under-using.   

Why Transition Phrases?

We manage conflict better if we choose our responses in moments of storm, rather than blindly react.  

But that’s easier to say than to do.  Frustration and rising anger handicap our rational, choice-making upper brain and activate the reactive lower  brain.  By the time we pause and pay attention to what’s going on, we may already be pretty far down the path of reptilian brain takeover.   

In these moments, it helps to have a few transition phrases on the tip of the tongue to help transition to a different conflict style.  If you prepare now, in a time of calm, you will be more successful – and graceful – in deploying the conflict style of your choice in storm.  

A transition phrase empowers your rational brain with key words that help it maintain control in dicey moments as the lower brain gets activated.  With a little practice you’ll soon express the intention behind the phrases spontaneously.

Transition Phrases for Avoiding

Avoiding has huge benefits and huge weaknesses, summarized below.  This post is for those situations where you’ve thought it through and decided Avoiding is the right response.

Of course, an easy way to avoid is to say little or just disappear.   But sometimes that’s not an option and you have to say something.   This is especially common if you’re leading or coordinating a group of people.

Metaphors useful in constructing an avoiding response include:  set aside the issue, not go into that, maintain focus on (something else), give priority to (something else) delay or postpone discussion; wait until the time is right (or we have the energy required, the time needed, etc.), think things through, agree to disagree.

Sample transition phrases: 

Let’s set that issue aside for another time.  (Or similarly: Let’s save that for another time.)

I’d rather not open that up right now.

Sorry, I’m not ready to discuss that right now.  I think we’d better stay focused on (whatever other task or topic is in play) for now and deal with this (contentious) question later.

I’d like to give priority to (some other task or activity requiring attention) right now and not start a discussion of that at this moment.

I agree that we need to discuss that, but I’m too (tired, stressed, distracted, upset, anxious, etc.) to take it on right now. Could we agree on another time to discuss it? 

I will be a much better partner in discussing that if I take some time to think it through.  Could we put it aside for now and discuss it later?

Maybe we just need to agree to disagree on that.

Whatever transition phrases you choose, they should roll easily off your tongue and feel natural to you.  From the words and  sentences above, pick those that seem most useful.  Edit and change them to fit you.  Then memorize and review them so you can use them without hesitation when Avoiding seems like the best response.   

Soon the concepts behind the phrases will take root in your brain and you’ll find your own spontaneous words for a request to Avoid without a second thought. 

All the above are equally useful in group leadership, by the way.  It’s impossible to facilitate group discussion without using conflict avoidance from time to time.  And the same goes for all the other conflict styles.   Every ounce of grace that you master in use of conflict styles interpersonally will serve you well organizationally!  

If you’ve already taken Style Matters, review your score report here and benefit from recent upgrades: 
 If you’ve lost your password, use the password recovery function there.  After logging in, go to “Style Matters Online” in the top menu.  
Never taken Style Matters?  Take it now.

You Can Lead Training

 
Do you want to help a team or group improve patterns of dealing with conflict?   Below are resources to help you lead a rich learning experience on conflict styles. 
 
 
 
So long as you’re comfortable leading group discussion, you can do this yourself, even if you’ve never led a conflict styles workshop before.  
 
The resources listed capitalize on Style Matters Online, which harnesses digital power to do interpretation that required an expert in the past.   Its 2020 version combs a user’s scores for insights and presents them in a detailed, 10 page report that can be easily understood without additional input. 
 
You don’t need to be a conflict resolution expert to coordinate this.  Naturally the more you know, the better for the group. But ordinary group facilitation skills are all that is required to have an impactful event.

Conversation to Assist Learning

A feature we’ve added to recent upgrades is suggestions for partners.   Other learning tools like Style Matters – for example, the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument  – typically address the user as an individual.  “Here’s your scores, here’s how you compare to others, here’s what your numbers mean, etc.”  It’s up to the user to translate that into conversation with partners and colleagues.  
 
That’s like clapping with one hand.   Conflict happens in relationships.  That means that learning about conflict takes place best in the context of relationships.  We can start on our own, but we hit pay dirt in conversation with others.  
 
So a section of the Style Matters score report is for conversation with partners or colleagues of the user.  These suggest ways to support the user when things are dicey.   The goal is for people in long-term partnerships to review these together, and proactively negotiate patterns of communication that work well in times of difficulty.    

Resources You Need Training

Here’s a complete list of what need to design and pull an effective learning experience with Style Matters Online.

  • Download Trainers Big Guide to Successful Conflict Styles Training.   This free 45 page guide to conflict styles training explains the five styles of conflict, the concepts of Calm and Storm, how to work with the cross-cultural aspects of Style Matters, and provides step-by-step guidance through a workshop.   In addition you need…

  • Download Trainers Small Guide to Style Matters Online.   This free 10 page supplement builds on concepts in the big guide above and applies them to training with the online version.   If you’re just facilitating a conversation, you can get by with just this supplement to design your discussion.  If you’re feeling ambitious and expecting to give inputs as an active trainer role,  you should have both.   

  • View Intro to Conflict Styles slide show, available in either traditional Powerpoint format or dynamic Prezi format.    This short slide show, free for online viewing and available for purchase offline, introduces core concepts of the five styles of conflict and serves as a great prelude to discussion of score reports. 

  • Handouts.   If you like to work from handouts, download these.   From the traditional print version of Style Matters, they’re not required for training with the online version.   But if you have time for them, they’re a solid addition to any workshop.  Plus, it’s nice to have them ready if, like many trainers, you’re nervous about having enough solid material on-hand.

  • Tutorial.  The tutorial on our website packs a lot of info about conflict styles into a few pages, on topics like the cross-cultural feature of Style Matters, the Storm shift, interpreting scores, anger management, and more.   

  • Followup.   Conflict responses are habit-based.  Developing new patterns requires repetition.   You can expand the impact of conflict styles learning by spreading it across time, with followup activities and/or homework. See   my blog on followup activities for ideas.  You can multiply the impact of the whole experience by enouraging people to engage in conversation with those they live or work with.  See this essay for ideas for discussion between individuals.

Homework on Conflict Styles

 

Life spares none from conflict.

But unfortunately the word has not yet reached the schools that train professionals.

 
Name the profession – engineering, teaching, business, social work, lawyer, religion, medicine, whatever.   It’s a rare academy that offers training in how to navigate the conflicts that come with practice of that profession.
 
Even callings you might think of as peaceful have plenty of conflict. Some years ago a well-recognized seminary did followup with its graduates to assess how well its Masters program in religious leadership had equipped them for their congregational leadership.   The number one complaint?  Lack of preparation for conflict.   
 
Speaking from several years of experience, graduates wrote that they had no clue from their seminary preparation that dealing with conflict would be such a prominent aspect of religious leadership.
 
So what to do?  Even you want to address this gap, it may be hard to press another topic into an already packed schedule of lectures.   This post is for professors and teachers, trainers and consultants who see the need for students to reflect on conflict resolution but don’t have the space to include it in classroom work.
 
Here’s three assignments to choose from.  Each takes students into a valuable learning experience on their own, without requiring you to lecture or even to have a class discussion on the topic.
 
Setup: Students begin each of the three assignments that follow by taking Style Matters Online.  Instruct them to read their score report carefully and spend, say, 20 minutes clicking links in the report to resources that interest them on the Riverhouse website.   (These include a tutorial, summaries of strengths and weaknesses of each style, essays on anger management, apology, conflict and culture, and much more.) Pick out an exercise from the ideas below and assign it to your students to do on their own.  I invite you to adapt and present them as your own.

Assignment: Write a Reflection Paper

A simple but immensely useful exercise is for students to write a paper reflecting on their score report. 
 
Text of the assignment: Write a paper reflecting on your score report (at college or university level, I’d suggest 1500-3000 words in length).   Use the score report as a resource in writing if you agree with the report.  If you do not, draw on your own best self-assessments.   
  • When you are in Calm conditions, that is, when differences have just surfaced and emotions are not yet high, which conflict style or styles are you most likely to use? What are the strengths of this style or styles? What are the dangers of over-using this style?
  • When you are in Storm conditions, that is, when previous efforts to resolve a conflict haven’t worked and emotions have escalated,  which conflict style or styles  are you most likely to use? What  are the strengths of this style or styles?  What are the dangers of over-using it?
  • Drawing on the feedback in the score report and/or your own reflections, what do you see as personal growth areas for yourself in improving your conflict management abilities?
Notes to trainer: Depending on how big you’d like your assignment to be, a useful addition to the above is to ask students to connect their reflections to an actual situation.   For example, you could add a sentence to the first two areas of reflection above: Give an example from real life experience that illustrates your behavior.  
 
In the third area, you could add this sentence: Name a situation in which you expect your efforts at growth to be challenging.   Describe how your past behaviors would cause you to act and then describe what you would like to do differently in this situation in the future that would reflect personal growth for you.  

An additional task you could add to that list is to have students discuss their score report with someone who knows them well. The assignment could read:  Discuss your score report with someone who knows you well and whom you trust – a family member, friend, or colleague.  Invite this person to comment from their general observations of you.  Using the report as a resource, what do they see as your strengths in conflict?  What do they think might be “growing edges” for you in strengthening your responses to conflict?  Summarize your learnings in the essay.

Assignment: Apply Conflict Styles Framework to a Personal Conflict

In this assignment students write an account of a conflict they’ve been involved in, using the conflict styles framework to describe what was going on.    
 
Text of the assignment: Write a reflection paper applying conflict styles insights to a conflict in which you were involved that was distressing for you.  
  • Which conflict style or styles did you use?   Did this change over time?   If so, why, and how did this change in style alter the dynamics of the conflict?  
  • Do you see in retrospect that you under-used or over-used certain styles?  
  • Are there any tips (see the list of Support strategies suggested for your high-scoring Storm styles in the report) that, if the other person had followed, might have assisted you to function better?   
  • Choose another person who was central in this conflict and comment:  What style or styles was this person primarily using?  How did you respond to this style?   Can you offer any tips  for yourself (based on this experience and/or what you’ve learned about conflict styles) about what to do or not to do that might enable you to achieve a better outcome with this conflict style in the future?

Assignment: Discuss Conflict Styles in Study Group or Work Team

Whereas the above assignments are for individuals, here’s a learning exercise for a group, such as a study group or a work team.
 
Text of the assignment: Take the Style Matters conflict style inventory and print out the score report.  Read it on your own and underline things you think are especially valuable in understanding you.    If you disagree with the scores revise them in the chart on the first page of the report to reflect what you think is more accurate.
 
Bring your marked up score report to your group session.  Go around the group with the questions below, one question at a time, giving each person about 5 minutes to comment in each round.  If your scores are equal or nearly equal in several styles, should choose one style to highlight in responding to each question.  If you get stuck answering any of the questions, feel free to call on others to assist you in answering.
  • My Calm style of dealing with conflict is…..  Benefits of this style for me are….  Benefits for others when I use it are….     Dangers or costs of overusing this style are……..
  • My Storm style of dealing with conflict is…. Benefits of this style for me are….  Benefits for others when I use it are….     Dangers or costs of overusing this style are……..
  • Things that others around me can do when there is conflict that will meet my conflict style preferences and make it easier for me to function at my best are…..  (As a resource for this, review the sections of the report titled “Support Strategies”)
  • Something useful I’ve learned from our discussion here about how others function in conflict is that……

* * * * * * * *

I would love to hear your ideas for effective learning experiences outside of the classroom!  Please send them to me at center@riverhouseepress.com.   With your permission, I’ll publish the best ones here. 

For discussion questions and exercises in workshop settings, see my essay, Suggestions for Reflection and Learning with Others About Conflict Styles.  And of course you’ll find detailed guidance on leading a workshop – if you decide to go that route – in my free downloads  “Trainers Guide to Successful Conflict Styles Workshops and Training with Style Matters Online Version.

 

By Ron Kraybill, author of the Style Matters conflict style inventory and a blog KraybillTable.com.   You may use or reproduce these exercises for classroom training purposes but all rights are reserved by the author.   For publications, please contact the author for permission.

 

New Trainers Guides

If you’re interested in leading conflict styles training, download my 2019 trainers’ guides with a single click below.   To get notice future updates and my blog posts for conflict styles trainers, sign up on the lower right to the trainers list.  I post only a few times per year and I won’t share your email address!

Comprehensive Guide.  My comprehensive Trainers Guide to Successful Conflict Styles Workshops is now in its 4th edition.  The 2019 update  is the same as previous editions, now newly edited for clarity and ease of use.  The 40 page guide provides detailed guidance for training with Style Matters (or the Thomas Kilmann or other inventories based on a similar five styles framework) and many suggestions for presenting information and leading discussion.  Download the Trainers Guide in PDF free here.

Guide to Online Version. We’ve also just released a 10 page companion piece, Trainers Guide to Style Matters Online. Whereas the above guide provides detailed guidance on all aspects of conflict styles training,  this short guide focuses narrowly on work with the online version of Style Matters.  If refers often to the full guide, so you should have both. Download the online training guide here.

 
A key part of the Riverhouse mission is to enable anyone with basic group facilitation skills to lead an effective learning experience on the topic of conflict styles. 
 
Every person, every organization, and every community faces conflict throughout the life cycle.  Failure to equip people to deal constructively with conflict is, we believe, one of the greatest obstacles to human well-being.  Addressing this gap is an achievable opportunity for every organization and community to improve the quality of life in fundamental ways.
 
These trainers guides are central to our mission of supporting trainers on a large scale to address this glaring learning gap.
 

Thomas-Kilmann, Hammer’s ICSI, or Style Matters?

Trainers considering Style Matters as a conflict style inventory should be aware of two other options as well, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and the Hammer Intercultural Conflict Style Inventory.   Style Matters has been optimized for the majority of conflict resolution trainers.  But a percentage of trainers might benefit from a specialized tool.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument

Optimized for psychometrics. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, also known as the TKI, was developed in the 1970s with a priority on psychometric validation.

The Thomas-Kilmann is noted for its commitment to psychometrics, reflected in its commitment to the use of a question format that forces users to choose between only two possible options in responding. Although some users find this format annoying, authors Thomas and Kilmann retain it because it results, they say, in more accurate data.   For a description of my own experience with the TKI, see my blog post on it.

If psychometrics is your over-riding concern, and issues such as user friendliness, cultural flexibility, and cost have little bearing for you, the Thomas-Kilmann is probably the right choice.

Cost is $19.50 per user.   A trainer’s guide is available for $250.  

The Intercultural Conflict Styles Inventory

Optimized for cultural analysis.  The purpose of Mitch Hammer’s Intercultural Conflict Style Inventory is building capacity to understand cultural differences and do conflict resolution across cultures. Its questions and interpretive frameworks all revolve around this.  If that’s your primary objective, there’s no better tool.  The ICSI ranges in price from $16-$22 per user.

Style Matters

Optimized for Learning.  As a trainer with academic background and deep commitment to building cross-cultural understanding, I care about psychometrics and cultural issues. But for me and, I believe, most trainers using Style Matters, those are not the key priorities in training.

I’m not interested in making definitive pronouncements about how people function in conflict and I discourage trainers from this.  Rather, I want to give people a framework for evaluating dynamics of conflict, reviewing options, and making wise choices.   For that purpose, trust in the tools of learning is a more important requirement than supreme psychometric reliability.  That means arranging questions in ways that are not off-putting to users.

Nor am I interested in full-blown cultural comparison in most of the training I do.  I simply need a conflict resolution training tool that people from a variety of cultural backgrounds feel comfortable with.

In developing Style Matters, I prioritized teaching effectiveness. I needed a tool that I could rely on in all kinds of settings to give learners a high quality learning experience. I wanted a simple, powerful tool to help learners think through their options in conflict, that gave highest authority to self-reflection, discussion, and feedback from others rather than to “rock-solid metrics”. And it needed to be cost affordable to all the groups I worked with.

Although I had used the Thomas-Kilmann for several years and experienced its usefulness, I was frustrated by the resistance I regularly encountered around the wording of questions. I was also troubled by the discomfort of many participants from backgrounds outside the white, educated North American backgrounds of its authors. You can read more about this in my essay here.

Durable training tools mature and improve as authors revise them based on experience.  The themes we’ve worked relentlessly to improve are: 

  • accessibility and familiarity for users (in order to build trust and credibility in the results)
  • cultural flexibility (achieved by offering users two different ways to frame questions)
  • stress responsiveness (achieved by scoring users in both Calm and Storm conditions)
  • clarity and simplicity of wording
  • ease of use for trainers (achieved by providing free high-quality trainer guides)
  • affordability (priced at about a third the cost of the TKI and ICSI)

Independent researchers did psychometric evaluation of Style Matters in 2007 and helped us tweak it for psychometric validity and reliability.  But we signal users throughout that their own self-assessment and the feedback of those who know them well are what really count in determining their patterns.  Numbers on a test are the first stop on a journey of self-awareness; they should not be considered the final destination.   

Buy Style Matters here.

 

Join our Training Series

Want to lead a conflict styles workshop? Join me on November 21 for the first in a series of short webinars, Training with the Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory, I’m leading for trainers.
 
Scheduled for 11am Eastern time on Wednesday, the 21st of November, this thirty minute introductory webinar is for anyone considering Style Matters for training purposes and for current users wanting to update their knowledge.  It will enable you to:
  • choose among several options available for the format and method right for you and your setting;
  • design and lead a conflict styles workshop corresponding to your existing skills; 
  • equip yourself with resources for effective presentation of concepts
I’ll give input for about 15 minutes and we’ll have about 15 minutes open for questions.
 
Topics in future webinars will include:
  • interpreting scores
  • use of movement to raise energy and engagement in workshops
  • cross-cultural issues in conflict styles training and how to address them with Style Matters
  • creating assignments and other followup activities to expand the window of learning
As the first run of this series we’re offering this free.  Seats are limited.   Register now! 
 
Enter your name and email address and you will then receive a confirmation email with info for joining the webinar on the 21st.
 
 

How to Lead with Less Anger

Do you use an angry voice to communicate or give instructions when a firm, even voice would do the job just as well?

I witness this most commonly in sports settings, where it seems to be accepted that coaches and trainers shout angrily at those they are training.  I’m not talking about raising the voice to be heard.  I mean shouting with angry inflections and body language, to convey authority and motivate.  

Sports isn’t the only place this happens.  Every parent and teacher – and I speak as a veteran of both roles – gets ticked off at the youngsters in our charge sometimes.   So do team leaders, managers, and supervisors of all sorts, working with all ages.   Frustration comes with the territory of leadership. 

Anger is a powerful tool for many good purposes, when used sparingly.  The volume and intensity of anger say “Listen up…!” and often people do.  When it’s exceptional, anger gets attention and underscores a message.

But used frequently, the positive effects of anger diminish.  Anger stresses people.  Eventually they tune out and turn inwards for relief from the bombardment.  Then you have to shout louder for the same effect.  

Worse,  your emotional outbursts trigger similar responses in others.  Drama and disrespect creep into many discussions and become normal.  All communication suffers, frustration spirals, and morale goes down. 

The Conflict Style Framework Offers Alternatives to Anger

In the conflict styles framework, frequent appearance of anger in negotiation or leadership reflects over-reliance on the Directing style of conflict response.  In the chart below, Directing is on the upper left and involves a high focus on task or agenda and low focus on relationship.  An angry person is focused on getting others to do what they want, not on the relationship or how people feel. 

Five Styles of Conflict

That doesn’t sound very nice.  But let’s be clear, that doesn’t mean this style is always a bad choice.  If you can’t use Directing effectively, you’re going to let others down in a serious way.  In order to protect youngsters from getting into danger, for example, every parent, every teacher, every youth leader needs to say “No!” at times and be ready to back it up with firm action.  The focus in such moments is not the relationship, it’s on protecting others or upholding principles, even when this causes angry feelings.

People in all kinds of roles have a duty to place principle and duty higher than feelings and relationships at times.  You don’t want the surgeon operating on you to negotiate with an assistant about procedures.  You want firm, competent control by an expert professional who brooks no nonsense in getting things done right.   They can patch up bad feelings later!

So hone your skills at this style.  You will need it.  But don’t make it a habit.  If you do, it will begin to have diminishing returns and you will weaken the web of kindness and responsiveness that make  organizations healthy.

Four Strategies to Reduce Reliance on Anger

If you recognize yourself in the category of over-use, you can take steps to get out of it.  

1) Treat problems as information gaps rather than conflicts.  As a mediator I am struck with how often big conflicts start out from simple misunderstandings.  Had they been managed as such from the beginning and dealt with in calm, non-confrontational ways, many conflicts could be avoided.  Things get polarize and escalate when you bring anger into the picture.

Treating problems as information gaps requires practice.  Old patterns may pull you back to needless deployment of anger.  To achieve the balance you seek develop these skills: 

  • Purpose statements.  Use of clear, non-confrontational statements of positive purpose makes it easier for others to work with you rather than against you, even in circumstances that could easily turn confrontational.  “I’m eager to get a good night’s sleep – would you mind keeping the noise down?” has a very different impact than “Do you have to be so loud?”  Similarly, “It’s important that we stay together so nobody gets lost,” calmly stated, has a different impact than shouting “Stop lagging behind!”  To create purpose statements you have to think through your underlying purpose and figure out ways to communicate it in positive terms.   Until you get the hang of it, you will have to prepare in advance of difficult moments to pull it off.
  • Clarifying questions help you interact with others in ways that invite and assist them to clarify their purpose and/or needs, without escalating an awkward moment into a conflict.  There’s no catch-all formula for this, but consider these examples: “Sorry,  what’s happening here is not what I was expecting.  Can you help me understand this?” “I’m afraid I don’t understand what’s happening – can you clarify please what you’re trying to accomplish?” “Please say more about that, so I understand where you’re coming from….”

2) Expand your repertoire of skills for deploying influence and power.  A common rationale for anger is that it is necessary to caution or block others from unacceptable behavior.   But it’s not the only way to do that.   Thought and preparation can often position you with different responses that don’t require any anger.

In mediation and group facilitation training, for example, we teach mediators and facilitators to call out rude behavior kindly,  but firmly and early, as soon as it appears.  If facilitators wait until rude behavior has multiplied, confronting it kindly is harder, for the facilitator’s own emotions have now increased.  

With children, I learned that to achieve discipline without spanking or yelling I must lead by actively noticing and verbally appreciating good behavior as much as possible rather than only confronting the bad.  I must take care to back my words with actions, never giving an order or threatening consequences I am not prepared to enforce.  I must maintain on the tip of the tongue a series of clear and escalating responses to unacceptable behavior; my early responses must be small and simple enough that I don’t hesitate to use them.    

Hospitals are a setting surprisingly vulnerable to intense conflict and hospital staff report violence-related injuries at rates far higher than other professions.  To cope, many hospitals now train staff in de-escalation skills.  One of these, in the words of one trainer is “calmly and firmly asserting the rules while acknowledging the other person’s humanity.”  

Those examples aren’t comprehensive.  The point is: Commit to an active quest to be influential and authoritative in ways that don’t depend on a turbocharge of anger.  This takes time, thought, reading or discussion, and experimentation but the results can be transformative.   

3) Use the Cooperating style of conflict resolution instead of Directing

In the language of conflict styles, the skills above enable you to use Cooperating as a response in situations in which you previously might have relied on Directing.      

Directing and Cooperating are similar in that they share high commitment to Task.   In using them we bring an agenda to engagement with others.  We have a mission we feel is important to accomplish.  We are assertive.  This makes both Directing and Cooperating effective styles when we have a lot of work to get done, or a major responsibility we must fill.  

But Cooperating adds something not present in Directing: major commitment to a relationship with those we are engaging.   We pay attention to their feelings.  We send frequent signals that we value them and their goals. We back up these signals with actions.

There is however a key cost you must reckon with in using Cooperating:  settling on a solution takes longer and may demand more emotional energy than Directing.  Unlike in Directing, you’re not just insisting on your own agenda, you’re paying attention to others, their feelings and views. There will be back and forth and a period of uncertainty as you wrestle with finding solutions that keep everyone happy. 

It’s not realistic for leaders to use Cooperating on every issue.  But as others see that you use Cooperating whenever possible, they will be more accepting of those occasions when realities of time, budget, or other limitations require you to use Directing.

4) Circle back later, after moments when you have voiced your wrath, and take steps to signal care for the relationship.  If you were over the top, why not acknowledge it?   If the anger was appropriate, you can still signal care without compromising your principles by extending a gesture of warmth or appreciation.   

I think many people who overuse anger under-estimate the damage their anger inflicts on relationships.   Deploying anger has become so much a part of how they interact with others that they don’t see it as unusual or especially problematic.   

Others can in fact cope with surprising amounts of anger if the over-user regularly takes responsibility to tidy up the mess afterwards.  Just make sure it happens.  Chronic failure to do such tidy up is deeply damaging to depth and trust.  

My Style Matters conflict style inventory helps groups and teams engage in thoughtful discussion about their dynamics.  Check out this infographic on two easy ways to invite users to take the inventory.

 

Conflict Styles: Digital vs Paper

In training with the Thomas Kilmann or my Style Matters conflict style inventories, you have an option to use either a paper or online version.   I used to be ambivalent about this choice, but no more.

I’m an old-school trainer. I love the simplicity of paper and face-to-face training.  But after Style Matters had been out in paper for several years, demand for an online tool drove us to also develop a digital version.  That was an eye-opener for me.  

After dozens of hours honing our scoring algorithm, I couldn’t deny that the score report our server spits out for each user mines the user data in ways I can’t match in a workshop from a hand-tallied score summary.  It would take quick thinking and 10-15 minutes dedicated to each participant for a trainer to come even close to the detailed insights contained in the 10 page score report generated by our server.    That’s just not realistic with 10-20 people in a workshop.

Best of all worlds – digital plus face to face.

So I’m a reluctant convert to the digital version of Style Matters.  We still sell the print version, but in my opinion the ideal approach in training is to have users take the online version before the workshop, print out the score report at home, and bring it to a live workshop.  

Then in a face to face setting a trainer takes users through a learning experience that provides some input on conflict styles, reinforced by review and discussion of digital score reports in small and large group settings.

Don’t miss the new guide to training with Style Matters Online.

To assist this, I recently wrote a new section for my long-standing Trainer’s Guide to Successful Conflict Style Workshops.   There’s a lot of trainer guidance in that guide, but it largely assumes the paper version.

The new guide presents a trainer’s outline for a workshop using the score report from the online version, including links to a lot of resources to support your preparation.  It’ll be in the next edition of the Trainer’s Guide, but don’t wait.  Take two minutes to scan it now.  The Thomas Kilmann has no comparable guide to my knowledge, but the two are close enough that some aspects of my guide still apply.

Get Guide to Conflict Style Workshops for Online Users.
Compare Style Matters and the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.

The Thomas-Kilmann Instrument

Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode InstrumentThe Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument or TKI has been around since the 1970s and bills itself as the world’s most widely used conflict style inventory.  I started out as a Thomas Kilmann trainer in the 80s and found it very useful.  I got frustrated eventually and developed an alternative, for reasons I’ll explain.  But for at least one purpose, you should still use the Thomas Kilmann.

History of Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument

A concern of Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in developing the TKI was “social desirability bias”, a phenomenon in testing in which test takers answer questions dishonestly.  Rather than truly describe their own behavior, they answer in ways they think are socially desirable.  Kilmann writes in his explanation of the development of the TKI that he and Thomas were inspired by their study of the Mouton Blake inventory, a predecessor to and paradigm for their own instrument.  But the Mouton Blake had a glaring social desirability bias problem.

Kilmann observed a situation in which the Mouton Blake inventory had been administered to managers.  From the way statements in the inventory were worded, he writes, “it was obvious that ‘collaborating’ was the ideal mode, while ‘avoiding’ was the least desirable one.”  “Sure enough,” he continues, “that’s exactly how managers rated themselves, with over 90% ranking themselves highest on collaborating and lowest on avoiding. Their subordinates, of course, experienced those same managers very differently.”

Thomas and Kilmann set out to create a similar conflict style test that would be free of the influence of social desirability bias.  They adopted the underlying framework of the Mouton Blake, but designed their conflict mode instrument with 30 questions containing paired statements, each worded to be equally desirable.  Takers are asked to choose the statement in each pair that more accurately describes them.

Since 1974 when it was first published, good publisher support, ongoing engagement by the authors in how to use the TKI, and use of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument in various research projects have propelled the TKI to a leading role.

Limitations of the Thomas Kilmann

So why look any farther?  The following experiences with the Thomas Kilmann drove me to seek alternatives and eventually create my own:
1) The Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument frustrates many users.   As a trainer I discovered that the forced choice question format of the Thomas Kilmann greatly annoys a significant number of test takers.  Users are presented with two descriptions of responses to conflict and required to choose one of them. 

In my own first experience as a test taker, I kept thinking, “I wouldn’t choose either of those options!”  But I had to commit to one to get through the inventory.   As a trainer I saw that in most workshops there was a least one and often several people so frustrated by the question format that they turned negative on the whole learning experience.

2) The TKI has a tin ear on cultural issues.  Whenever I had people in workshops from outside mainstream white culture, I got even more criticism of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode instrument from users distressed that some of the 30 questions forced them to select an option that didn’t fit them. 

Years later, as my understanding of cultural issues deepened, I realized that the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument assumes what Edward T. Hall in his 1976 book, Beyond Culture, calls a low-context cultural setting.   People from such backgrounds respond to conflict with minimal consideration of issues like role, seniority, status, etc.  That assumption works for some test takers but not for those from cultures where the first question is not “what do you want?” but “who is the conflict with?” 

For people from such high-context cultural backgrounds, an appropriate response to conflict cannot be contemplated without knowing, say, whether the conflict is with an elder, a peer, or a younger person.  High-context culture people need context to answer questions about how they would respond in conflict, and are flummoxed by an inventory that provides none.   Read more on that and how we resolve the issue in the culturally agile Style Matters inventory .   

3) The Thomas Kilmann is blind to the impact of stress.  The notion that human beings function in a steady state, an assumption of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode profile and its interpretive report, is several decades out of date.  We now know that when humans are angry, afraid, or highly stressed, our brain functions are increasingly influenced by the reptilian brain and decreasingly managed by the neocortex, the rational, problem-solving part of the problem. 

When the reptilian brain is in control, priorities and behavior change drastically, towards survival-oriented, all-or-nothing, fight/flight/freeze responses.    This means that in order to help people realistically assess their conflict responses, a conflict style inventory or test has to assess behavior in settings of both Calm and Storm. 

In its interpretive report the TKI refers to primary and fallback style preferences, but that’s different than a stress shift.  The transition from neocortex-managed functioning to lower brain-managed functioning is complex.  Behaviors and priorities change, data processing ability declines.  The data from Style Matters makes it clear that many users function quite differently in Storm than in Calm and that people’s use of several conflict styles often changes.    

3) User support is thin.  The TKI comes as a barebones unit with few interpretive materials.  Trainers can lead a workshop, or buy supplemental interpretive booklets, but either way users depend on receiving additional materials to make sense of their scores.   That’s OK sometimes but a pain other times.   
 
4)  TKI Cost is prohibitive.   I’ve always done a lot of work in community settings where the hefty charge of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, $19.50 per user today, is prohibitive.  

As a trainer, those factors weighed on me, and eventually I moved to create an alternative.  Over 15 years of experimentation I developed Style Matters, which like the TKI, uses the Mouton Blake framework, while addressing those issues.   Download a free review copy of the paper version of my conflict style here and view a sample score report of the  online version here.   See also our free Trainers Guide to Successful Conflict Styles Workshops.

What about Social Desirability Bias?

Thomas and Kilmann were inspired to develop their TKI in response to social desirability bias apparent in scores of takers of a predecessor, the Mouton Blake inventory.  In his history, Kilmann says that 90% of users rated themselves as highest in Collaborating (Cooperating in Style Matters) and lowest in Avoiding in a workshop with the Mouton Blake.  

With Style Matters, slightly less than half of users show that particular response pattern in Calm conditions.  In Storm conditions, less than one-third report it.  That’s predictable: Calm conditions are precisely the setting in which that pattern would be most appropriate and easiest to deploy, so it is predictable that this pattern will be favored by many people when their emotions are not yet aroused.  That most of these same people report much less use of Collaborating/Cooperating) in Storm conditions reflects substantial candor.   Those numbers don’t scream social desirability bias.

Style Matters achieves this by wording the questions in ways that highlight the value of each conflict style.   In addition, Style Matters queries responses in two settings, Calm and Storm.  This simple differentiation acknowledges the reality of stress and makes it easier, I believe, for takers to admit responses they may consider less than desirable. The numbers cited above show that many users report different behaviors in Storm than in Calm.  

At the level of raw numbers, then, it’s far from obvious that our users are more vulnerable to Social Desirability Bias than those of the Thomas Kilmann.

Thomas Kilmann’s Theory of What Motivates Change

There’s an issue more important than social desirability bias that needs to be on the table as well, theory of change.   The publisher of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, CPP, often advertises the TKI as having “rock solid metrics”.  Never mind that the strategy employed alienates a lot of users,  to select metrics as the defining quality of the inventory reflects an assumption about what facilitates personal change:  Change and growth happen when people are confronted with a picture of themselves believed to be highly accurate and authoritative.  This confrontation with reality will be eye-opening, the test designers seem to believe, and users will be motivated to change their behavior to be more constructive.

That’s an inadequate theory of change, in my view.   Personal change doesn’t reliably result from a confrontation with authoritative numbers about yourself.   It is more likely to emerge from a process of honest self-assessment, supported by thoughtful conversations, in a setting with sufficient familiarity and safety that people trust the learning process. 

Getting an accurate picture of behavior from numbers on a test is good.  But there’s something far better than getting it from a test: Reflection, that is, getting an accurate picture of your behavior from a process of ongoing personal analysis and conversation with others who know you well.   

Reflection always trumps numbers as a motivator of change.  In fact, reflection will facilitate personal transformation even in the absence of numbers on a test.   But numbers on a test are useless in the absence of reflection.

The big question is how to get people to reflect deeply.  As a trainer, my number one goal is for people who attend my sessions and interact with my materials to trust the learning process they encounter.  Not necessarily “like it” in every aspect, but trust it.  Trust that the materials and the learning process are relevant to their life, trust that they are respected and recognized as authorities on themselves,  trust that the conversations with me and others are authentic and safe. 

When such trust is present, all is possible in terms of sustainable learning and growth.  When absent, all bets are off.  To me that means that, in conflict styles training, if there are tradeoffs required, we should prioritize trust and learning environment rather than psychometric purity. 

The Thomas Kilmann TKI can of course be used in processes that value trust and learning, but the instrument itself, in my view, detracts from that goal.  

How Style Matters Contrasts to the Thomas Kilmann

Whereas the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument has been optimized for validity and reliability, the holy grail of psychometrics,  the Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory has been optimized for the requirements of learning.   

Rather than use a question format that alienates many users, Style Matters counters social desirability bias in ways that build trust with users.  Even if that costs us something in the form of scores presenting an image of users that is somewhat rosier than reality (a big if – I see no evidence this is the case), I’d rather sacrifice accuracy than trust.   We don’t need a perfectly accurate image of the user in order to achieve success in the learning experience (which I define as improved ability to respond appropriately in conflict).  What we do need is deeply engaged, enthusiastic learners.

A priority on learning environment calls for a rich, interactive process of self-reflection and conversation with others.  Style Matters, especially in the algorithm-generated score report delivered to users taking it online, is designed to facilitate this by providing feedback on numerous issues not addressed in the TKI.  These include the difference between Calm and Storm responses, detailed attention to the least used conflict style and how to ramp up its use, the dynamics of style combinations, detailed suggestions on how to create environments friendly to the requirements of each style, and for trainers who avail themselves of this option, cultural dynamics of conflict response. 

We’ve also invested a lot in equipping trainers to lead workshops that reflect the dynamics of thoughtful self-exploration and conversation with peers I’ve pointed to above.  We provide free training materials on our site, including a detailed 40+ page Trainers Guide and a smaller manual for online trainers, as well as a free “Intro to Conflict Styles” in Powerpoint and Prezi.   We also provide a free Trainers Dashboard with powerful user management tools for trainers, to reduce the time demands of basic tasks.  We’d like to see trainer time invested in the learning side, not the technology side of workshops!

Expanding user learning to continue after the workshop has ended remains an area where I hope to provide more support to trainers.   Ralph Kilmann’s piece on the topic, “The Three Day Washout Effect”, is excellent in addressing the issue in the presence of colleagues in an organizational setting.   

But many people face a situation in which they are the only person who’s taken the inventory.  So what options for ongoing learning and reflection could we offer them? I’ll be experimenting with several in a university setting in the coming months.    

When to Use the Thomas Kilmann Instrument TKI

Although I think Style Matters is better suited to normal training purposes of most trainers and consultants, there is a purpose for which the Thomas Kilmann is superior: situations where psychometric data is indeed needed.  The TKI has been the subject of many studies over its forty years of existence, so more data are available on it than Style Matters.   Style Matters was subjected to validation study and revised accordingly, but our data is undeniably thinner. 

For that reason, trainers working in situations where it is important to be able to compare scores of current users with scores of past users and draw statistically precise comparisons should use the Thomas Kilmann.   

How to Get More Info Comparing TKI and Style Matters

View point by point comparison of the Thomas Kilmann and Style Matters  here.  Find ordering information for Style Matters here.  See also this short Thomas Kilmann wiki entry, a wiki entry on conflict style inventories generally and one on Style Matters.   Annotated bibliography on conflict styles resources on the web here.

Shift Dynamics with One Word

Here’s a strategy to improve dynamics in a difficult conversation:  In an argument or tense discussion, replace “but” with “and”.

Lawyer/mediator Susan Ingram describes this in her recent blog. “Typically”, she writes, “When you’re havingThis word builds bridges a discussion with another person, both of you are going back and forth with each of your own proposals, and not really listening to what the other person has just said.”

When we begin our comments in a conversation with “but”, Ingram says, “we are essentially negating and dismissing what the other person has just said. We are not valuing that person’s experiences and ideas and are just focusing on the point we want to make.”

Instead, she suggests, start with the word “and”. By doing this, say writes, “we are acknowledging that we have heard what the other person has said and allowing that there may be value in his or her words. Thus, we are effectively keeping the channels of communication open, encouraging problem solving, and moving the conversation along to a more likely resolution.”

Replacing “but” with “and” sounds easy, but it’s not a simple cut and replace. You have to listen carefully and craft your “and” response in a way that conveys your concerns.     You have to think it through and adjust a sentence or more in order for your “and” response to make sense.

It takes effort!  But then, so do exercise, healthy eating, music practice, and a lot of other things we do to create the life we want.

Put Your Neocortex in Charge

From the perspective of brain functioning, with this small change you’re revving up your neocortex or “thinking brain”.  When we’re stressed, upset or afraid, the primitive reptilian part of our brain becomes more influential.   Its concerns are primarily survival and defense and it sees the world in anxious, oppositional terms. Once activated, it shoves aside other brain functions and does not easily let go its control.  

But you can change this.  When you listen deeply to others and think carefully about how to offer a less combative response, you empower your neocortex and encourage the reptilian brain to stand down.  You begin to feel less upset and more capable of creative responses.  The lightening of polarization from your side often brings reduced hostility in others.  It’s a great example of how attention to something simple can facilitate complex change.

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A conflict style inventory is a powerful tool for empowering the neocortex.   Download a free review copy (portions blacked out) of my Style Matters conflict style inventory or lead a conflict styles workshop with my free Trainers Guide.