Innovation and creativity : Solutions nobody had thought of before often emerge in the intense, interactive, respectful exchanges typical of the Cooperating style.

Skill at talking things through : It's impossible to use Cooperating well unless you develop strong skills for talking things through. Many Cooperators possess these skills, learned from good modeling of parents or teachers, life experience, or training in conflict resolution.

Endurance : People who score high in Cooperating have unusual stamina for talking things through. They accept that it takes time to find solutions. They have the confidence to present their own views and the courage to keep talking even when others disagree. They help others not to lose hope in the possibility of peace even in the midst of big differences.

Personal growth : Since they engage deeply, people who use Cooperating a lot encounter new ideas and perspectives. They learn and grow from these; they develop confidence in their abilities; they are optimistic about solving problems. Their confidence and their attitude towards others encourages similar growth in those around them.

Trust between people : When teams or groups use Cooperating successfully, trust grows. The feeling is: We can work through our issues.

Costs of Overuse

Though it has wonderful strengths and seems like it ought to be the answer for all conflicts, Cooperating has its limits. Overuse of it can bring:

Failure to get other more important things done : Not all conflicts merit the intense time and effort required to Cooperate. Applied to too many trivial issues, Cooperating backfires, as people weary of "too much processing".

Increased conflict and misunderstanding : if used without consideration of status. This style involves being "up front" about what you want. This requires care. A junior secretary should not be quick to use Cooperating with the company CEO, nor should a CEO assume others will feel free to use it with him or her. Cooperating is complicated when power and status are unequal.

Discouragement, low morale, sense of failure : if attempted without realistic awareness of the time and skills required on difficult issues.

Exhaustion and burnout : People who over-use Cooperating run out of time and energy from all the intense conversations that result. No matter how good your intentions, too much intense engagement with others has huge costs. Sometimes it is necessary to protect yourself and your core mission by limiting your use of Cooperation

A bad name for "conflict resolution", "dialogue", or "peace processes" : ". If Cooperating is pursued too long with an opponent who takes an unyielding Directing or Avoiding stance, it may create evidence that talk and problem-solving don't work. It is true that a patient Cooperating approach often brings forth a Cooperating response in others, but it does not always do so. If you persist anyway, you or others observing might give up entirely on Cooperating. Over-use of Cooperating may thus damage the cause of peace.

Steps to Maintain Balance

You can take measures so you experience more benefits of wise use of Cooperating and fewer costs of overuse.

Expand your use of other styles : so you are less likely to over-use Cooperating.

Choose your battles : Think carefully about which issues, relationships, and situations deserve the time and effort required for Cooperating. If you have strong cooperating tendencies and are not strategic in you use of Cooperating, you set yourself up for burnout. Make sure the issues matter enough, and your views are distant enough, to merit the use of this energy-intensive style.

Consider dynamics of status and power : If inequality is present, use a two-step approach. If you are a higher status person, begin with affirmation or appreciation of the other person. As a lower status person, thank or otherwise acknowledge your senior for being willing to meet to resolve things. Only after these preliminaries should you move to the open discussion typical of Cooperating.

Pay careful attention to timing and readiness : Consider whether the skills and attitudes required for Cooperating are present (in you and your counterpart). Then choose your response style appropriately. It may be better to use a different style until you and others are ready for Cooperating.

Do good process design : If the conflict involves numerous people, plan the process together. Usually it it not hard to agree on with whom, where, when, in what sequence things will be discussed. This "agreement on the process" will ease the discussion.

- Monitor the length and intensity of discussion : People who favor Cooperating have exceptional energy for intense discussion with others. Monitor your volume and intensity so as not to overwhelm others. In talks, take breaks from discussion or schedule several rounds.

Support Strategies for Cooperating

Most interpersonal conflicts are with people we live or work with. Here we can help bring out the best in each other if we take steps to support each others' style needs. Which of the suggestions below for relating to a Cooperator would address your needs and could be used by colleagues, family, or friends to help you function well?

Be a good listener : Feeling heard helps all styles, but Cooperators respond particularly well to good listening. Hear the Cooperator out and you may be surprised at how well the Cooperator will listen to you in response. If you know the skill of active listening or paraphrasing, use it.

Be candid, without being rude or insulting : Most Cooperators respect directness and candor in others so long as it is polite. Saying what you want and need will be appreciated, if you can say it in an manner of "providing information about what matters to me" rather than criticizing or making demands.

Stay connected and do not back down too quickly : Harmonizers and Avoiders, in particular, should resist the inclination that comes with their style to back down from an assertive Cooperator. Cooperators speak out, it is true, but expressing their views is only one part of the process for them. They want to hear your views too. If you are silent or too quick to agree, the Cooperator ends up feeling like a Director, which is not their intention.

Make both task and relationship a priority : Whereas Directors give priority to task and Harmonizers to relationship, Cooperaters give priority to both. Approach things in ways that honor both. For example, in the midst of intense work or discussion, take moments to check in personally with a Cooperator and ask, "You feel OK about how we're doing this?" When work gets done or concessions are made, notice this and voice your appreciation.

Provide information about your needs or emotional responses in a non-emotional way : Like the Directing style, Cooperators appreciate information about what is going on, and tend to become anxious or upset if others withdraw without signaling their intentions. An Avoider who needs some calm space might say, "I want to go for a walk for half an hour to think things through. Then I'll come back and we can talk some more."

Show commitment to continuing the discussion : Cooperators react if others appear to be withdrawing. If you need a break say so, but signal your commitment to continue. For example, a Harmonizer who is overwhelmed with a first round of conversation might say to a high-energy Cooperator, "I'm worn out. Could we agree to take a break and continue tomorrow morning?" (A Harmonizer might take steps to meet his or her own needs by adding: "And could we plan to spend the first 15 minutes just drinking coffee and catching up a little on our lives? That would help me to feel connected before we dive into this discussion again.")

You scored high in Compromising in Storm. How to get more out of this style.

Your score for Compromising in Storm settings was equal to or greater than other styles. This suggests that when things get tense you try to work out a "deal" so conflict can end and people can get on with things. You seek a compromise, expecting everyone to accept less than what they want. Compromising has a particular strengths and weaknesses that you should be aware of.

Strengths of Compromising

Compromising is similar to Cooperating, but does not invest as much in exploration of all sides. Compromisers engage and let their preferences be known to a certain extent. But they are not as confident as Cooperators that a solution can be found that will fully satisfy everyone fully and they aren't as willing to spend time in long talks. They prefer to seek out a middle ground and get prompt resolution.

Strengths associated with wise use of this style include:

- Fairness and moderation. Compromisers don't push things to an extreme

- Speed. An acceptable compromise can often be worked out fairly quickly.

- Familiarity. The idea that "you give a little, I'll give a little" is readily understood and brings out the best in people.

- Practicality. A compromise enables the show to go on.

Costs of Overuse

Despite its valuable characteristics, Compromising has downsides. If you respond to every conflict with "let's make a deal", you will experience disappointments, including:

- Compromise of important principles or loss of important goals. There are situations where integrity requires you to take a firm stand and not to negotiate.

- Acceptance of half-solutions that don't address the real issues or that abandon too quickly the careful exploration required to come up with effective solutions.

- Wishy-washiness, a feeling that there are no red lines, no boundaries or principles.

- Difficulty in resolving future conflicts if there are no principles or goals to guide resolution of difficulties.

- Lost opportunities to engage others in in-depth conversation if you make a quick deal without looking deeply at things.

- Lack of commitment. Those involved may drag their feet at implementing solutions they don't fully support.

- Mediocre problem-solving skills that bring mediocre results. Quick compromises may prevent you from developing in-depth skills of problem analysis or a prevent a deep relationship Mediocre outcomes and relationships may result.

Steps to Maintain Balance

These can help diversify your conflict resolution skills beyond Compromising:

- Expand your conflict style repertoire. Aim to be good at all styles.

- Pay special attention to Cooperating. The Cooperating style differs from Compromising in its greater willingness to remain in uncertainty for a time while exploring options. Is it important to get a quick solution? If not, Cooperating may be a better strategy since it is more likely to bring solutions that are creative and thorough.

- Consider sustainability of solutions. Does the compromise agreement address the real issues? Will key people support it? How will it feel a year from now?

- Consider values. Weigh whether compromise agreements are compatible with them.

Support Strategies for Compromising

Most interpersonal conflicts are with people we live or work with. People can help bring out the best in each other if they take steps to support the ways of functioning that tend to go with style preferences. Which of the suggestions below for relating to a Compromiser apply to you and could be used by colleagues, family, or friends to help you function well?

- Convey commitment to being fair, realistic, practical, moderate, reasonable. These matter to those who prefer the Compromising style. They respond well when, through actions or words, others bring these values into a conversation.

- Offer to back off a bit from your own position. This is a familiar and respected move to the Compromiser, who will often reciprocate.

- Use a two-step approach. With a Compromiser, this means: 1) Describe honestly to the Compromiser what your first-choice solution would be; 2) Then indicate your openness to considering something mid-way between your first choice and the Compromiser's first choice.

- Wrap it up and move on. Compromisers have a practical orientation. Don't drag the discussion on and on. Tell the Compromiser what you want, find a middle point both of you can live with, and then get on with things. This is especially important to remember for people who prefer Cooperating and have more tolerance for long discussion.

About the Combination of Cooperating and Compromising in Storm Settings

You scored high for both Cooperating and Compromising in Storm. This combination has a particular character you should be aware of so you can maximize its strengths and minimize its limitations.

Strengths : This combo brings together the joint exploration of problems and solutions characteristic of Cooperating with the let's-make-a-deal pragmatism of Compromising. Both styles expect to work together with others to resolve conflict. Cooperating seeks this through in-depth discussion to find a solution that gives both sides everything they seek. Compromising is less confident in talk and less willing to invest effort in it, moving quickly to find in-between solutions that require everyone to back off a bit from what they want.

Limitations : Since you favor both styles you are likely to function well where negotiation and problem-solving are major requirements. But the combination of Cooperating and Compromising has limitations you should consider.

With such a strong orientation towards talk, you may be prone to over-use talk and negotiation. Sometimes other responses are better!

- Not all conflicts are worth the time and effort required to talk things through. Sometimes it's better to delay or even avoid conversation

- Some conflicts require you to be non-negotiable. Parents, elders, leaders, etc., sometimes certain duties to protect and safeguard.

- Sometimes quick, decisive action is essential, in which case a Directing response might be more appropriate. A surgeon, for example, can't deal with a crisis by negotiating with colleagues.

- With a strong preference for talk, you may may wear out people around you, or miss cues they want to just settle and move on.

- As a leader, you may be too slow to take decisive action when needed, or to call for a vote in decision-making processes

How to benefit from the strengths and reduce your exposure to limitations: If the above has a ring of truth for you, consider these ideas:

1) Study the Support Tips for both styles, under the tab for each on the Support page. Those are things others can do to support you. If you understand what kind of support you need, you can more easily ask for it.

2) Count the cost of discussion and dialogue. Dialogue is important and worth doing well. If you plunge heedlessly into intense discussion every time a challenge comes along, you'll live in heat but little light. Tend well the garden of your engagements - prune and weed carefully so that you direct your time and energy to the issues and people you most want to engage.

3) Do careful process design. Process design involves planning discussion processes before getting far into them. You define the issues with care, consider whom to involve and in what role, agree on decision-making rules, decide on topics or activities to include and in what order, etc. Process planning improves odds the discussion will come off well.

4) Consult about negotiation and decisionmaking as leader Your instinct for discussion and dialogue can be a gift to groups. But check in regularly with others to review things. You want participation but you don't want to drag discussion on endlessly. Do they feel you are striking the right balance as a leader? You don't have to frame this question narrowly around yourself. You might frame it around what "we" do as a group or a team - the implications for your own role will be clear.

5) Build time limits and breaks into discussion processes. Your Cooperating/Compromising preferences give you unusual stamina for talk. Others may need a rest sooner than you!

YOUR RESPONSE IN CALM

Now we turn to settings of Calm, when disagreements first surface but your emotions are not greatly stirred.

Here we pay special attention to your lowest scores, for these suggest “low-hanging fruit” for expanding your sense of choice and control in the midst of differences.

Each of the five styles has a valuable role to play in the life of every person. When you score low in a style, you may be under-using that style.

The Calm stage of conflict is a time when we are not yet greatly upset. We generally function “on autopilot” in this stage and respond from habit. Yet since we are not highly stressed we do have access to some of our best inner resources of reflection and choice.

Change is relatively easy here. By experimenting with greater use of styles you are less comfortable with, you may be able to rather quickly increase your sense of choice and control in the midst of differences

You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than other styles. This suggests that in early stages of conflict, when things are not yet emotional, you use Avoiding less than other styles. This spares you some of the weaknesses of Avoiding. For example, if people chronically avoid difficult discussion in a long-term partnership, bad feelings fester and grow. Energy and enthusiasm may fade. Too much avoidance endangers relationships.

But Avoiding also has important strengths you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increased use of the arts of stepping back and avoiding conflict might be beneficial, especially if there is a gap of 3 points or more between your lowish Avoiding score and your highest score in Calm.

When to Avoid

In Avoiding, you respond to differences by withdrawing from interaction. Neither person gets what they want; you just avoid the topic or the person. Although it has limits, Avoiding is wise, and indeed necessary, at times. Conflict takes time and energy; it also causes stress. If we take on every battle, we damage our ability to do well the things most important to us. We can't get important things done if we fall into debate on every issue that arises. We have to avoid at times, especially when:

- The topic is too trivial to merit an argument.

- We have no time or energy to talk things through

- The conflict is with someone we have no long-term relationship with. Why waste the energy?

- Key people are stressed or anxious. High stress reduces ability to think well and self-regulate emotions, so it might be wise to delay till people have their best inner resources.

- When we are too weak to actively resist the demands of a more powerful party, yet need a passive form of resistance.

- When it might be dangerous physically or emotionally to get in an argument.

- When timing or sequence is wrong for discussion. Eg: Maybe a budget committee needs to meet before the property committee debates building plans.

- When you need time to think things through, gather more information, consult with others, etc., in preparation for discussion. Sometimes it is wise avoid a discussion until you are ready for it.

Ideas for Strengthening your Skill in Avoiding

Since Avoiding seems not to come naturally for you, your life may improve if you experiment with avoidance strategies. For example:

- Look before you into intense exchanges with people. Consider: 1) Whether you have the time and energy required to talk things through; 2) Whether the issue is worth the time and energy required.

- Dial back responsiveness. It's not necessary to accept every invitation to an argument. Experiment with simply sitting in thoughtful silence as others express views you disagree with. If silence is difficult for you, aim to do this at least once a day for a few days and periodically afterwards as a way of strengthening your discipline in avoidance.

- Delay or schedule conflict. For example, "Interesting idea, but could we talk about that some other time?" Or "Could I give you my views on that when we've got the time to really thresh it out?" Agree that certain topics are off-limit in certain times or places. Agree to discuss certain conflict-fraught topics, such as finances in a domestic partnership, on a regular basis, such as every second Saturday morning, but not at any other time.

- Learn verbal responses for Avoiding. Prepare and memorize diplomatic crutch phrases for Avoiding: "You know, I see it a bit differently, but I respect where you are coming from...." Or "I agree we need to discuss this, but could we set this topic aside until tomorrow morning so we can focus on other things right now?" Or "You see things one way and I see them a different way. Let's just leave it at that for now."

The styles you scored high in are valuable and you should continue to use them when needed. But as you become more skilled in Avoiding, you may have more time and energy for the things you care about most.

YOUR STORM SHIFT

Your scores in Calm reflect your behavior in dealing with differences when anger and frustration are low. Your scores in Storm reflect your behavior when things are not going as you wish, when you are frustrated and probably angry. Your "Storm Shift" is the change in your behavior from Calm to Storm. [THE IMAGE BELOW IS A NEW INSERT INTO THE EXISTING CODE]

For about one third of people taking this inventory, their conflict style numbers show little change between Calm and Storm. For a second third, there is a moderate Storm Shift of 3 or 4 points in one or more styles. A Storm Shift of 5 or more is large enough to pay attention to it. It suggests your emotional reactions are strong and that other people are at times surprised, shocked, or hurt by unexpected changes in your behavior.

The biggest shift for you in the transition from Calm to Storm conditions[INSERT NEW PHRASE IN EXISTING TEXT HERE: ‘’is that”] your score in Directing Style goes down by 4 points. This is moderate, just big enough that you may benefit from the suggestions on the Riverhouse website about Weathering the Storm Shift.

As someone who has taken this inventory and read this report, you are already well beyond 99% of human beings in the effort you have invested in improving your responses to conflict. Imagine how different the world could be if everyone learned a few basics for handling conflict, just like we learn to read and write!

If this report speaks to you, you can expand its value by engaging others in conversation about it. A class or workshop is a great place to start. Just as good is conversation with people you live or work with whom you trust.

One way to do this is for each of you to read and mark up a copy of the report. Mark those points that seem especially true for you or are especially helpful in understanding you. Also mark those ideas with special appeal in Support Tips related to your preferred style or styles in Storm. Then sit down and talk about the things each of you marked up.

Your ability to work together and appreciate your differences is likely to expand as a result. To make this a two-way exchange, your partner can click here to purchase it at modest cost.

© Ron Kraybill 2017. User is authorized to reproduce freely for personal use but not to distribute or sell this report without permission. www.RiverhouseEpress.com

WHY YOUR ANCESTORS DID NOT NEED THIS REPORT AND YOU DO

This report is about your responses to conflict in daily life. You can skip straight to your numbers in Section Two, if you’d like. But there’s a two minute backstory that’s worth understanding because you’ve been influenced by it.

Human beings left the wilds thousands of years ago, but we carried the law of the jungle with us. “Since time began,” lamented a Sumerian writer in 2400 BCE, “the head boatman took boats, the livestock official took sheep, and the fish inspector took fish….”

For most of history, the strong have dominated the weak, the wealthy have managed the poor, the educated have held sway over the unschooled. Age trumped youth, men prevailed over women. With rare exceptions, power decided everything. That meant limited choices in conflict.

But starting a few hundred years ago and still unwinding today, something huge has changed. Equality has made big advances. A few generations back, someone born a slave died a slave. Yet today, slavery is rare.

Basic human rights once only dreamed of are today embedded in constitutions of most nations. And there’s more. Free education, gender rights, protection of religious and ethnic minorities, rising relative wages, increased leisure time, and technology have each contributed to a rise in human equality.

As a result, the number of conflicts managed by might has dropped. The number of conflicts managed on the basis of recognition of rights, equality, and freedom has increased, especially in recent centuries.

That has big consequences for conflict management and for you:

• • 1) Expectations have risen. More people expect to be recognized, respected, and allowed to live today as they choose than at any other time in history.

• 2) Ability to voice expectations has skyrocketed. Almost anyone who chooses to make their voice heard by others can do so. People are more assertive today and modern media give everyone a platform.

You benefit from the advances in equality and communication. But you also live with their consequences. Life is a barrage of competing opinions, claims, and challenges that your ancestors couldn’t have imagined.

How many times in an hour are you exposed to demands from someone trying to influence, change or direct you to do something that you hadn’t planned to do?

Your scores in this inventory reflect your effort to live in this noisy world. The report works with your numbers to give you tools necessary to thriving here:

• • 1) Analysis to help you assess what is coming your way. Without analysis, you’re likely to react to all conflicts in similar ways. You’ll exhaust yourself and disappoint or embitter others.

• 2) Flexible tools for responses. “If the only tool that you have is a hammer, everything you see is a nail,” said Mark Twain. Life brings a great variety of conflicts and you need a variety of tools for responding. If you respond to conflict by habit, you’re likely to rely too heavily on one or two conflict styles. This report shows you which styles you may be over-using or under-using, and offers suggestions for expanding repertoire of responses.

WHAT YOUR NUMBERS MEAN

This report applies principles of conflict style management to your numbers to suggest ways to optimize your responses to conflict. The principles are:

- Self knowledge : When you know your patterns you can more easily choose a response right for the situation you face, rather than react from habit. Your highlight your responses in Storm conditions since this is where self-knowledge is most important.

- Style flexibility : “If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see is a nail.” Each style has strengths and weaknesses and you need them all. Equal scores in the chart above suggest good flexibility. Uneven scores may mean you are under-using some styles. Here we use your scores in Calm to suggest styles you should experiment with using more.

- Stress awareness : We function differently under stress than in calm. In Storm, the lower “reptilian” part of our brain takes over. Wired for survival and combat, the lower brain blocks higher brain functions essential to problem solving. Your Storm Shift numbers will help you assess this and stay in Calm functioning.

- Partner awareness : Each of us has ways of dealing with differences that we prefer and ways that we dislike. If we know our own conflict style needs and communicate those constructively to partners, working together is easier. Based on your numbers, we’ll suggest support your partners could provide you.

Lifelong learning : Conflict is present throughout life in many forms and settings. Growing capacity to manage it well is an important commitment to personal happiness and organizational performance. We’ll suggest options for doing that.