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Deepen your knowledge with tips for applying conflict styles awareness to daily life.

Take Charge Gracefully

Sometimes you have to be pushy in conflict. Sometimes you have to say No and really mean it, insist that people step back, or lead in a direction some don’t want to go. If you are not able to do this, you may someday be taken advantage of or violated in ways that hurt and handicap you, for years.

Worse, you will someday fail to meet your responsibilities in a role you care about, like parenting, teaching, coordinating group activities, leading a team, facilitating meeting, exercising professional duties, or any number of other things important to you and your community. Success, health, even life itself, sometimes depends on someone being pushy.

But most of us prefer being nice more than being tough.

In this post, second in a series on the five styles of conflict, I’ll show you how to balance these two competing requirements. In particular, I’ll give you transition phrases for being pushy in challenging situations. These are phrases you’ve prepared in advance of stormy moments to help you gracefully initiate a conflict style you find challenging to pull off.

General Principles for Graceful Directing

Directing involves pursuing a goal without be distracted or deterred by the resistance of others. There are many shades of Directing, since skilled people usually blend some other styles into the mix. But in its pure form, Directing gives high priority to a task or goal and low priority to relationships.

Wisely used, this “take charge” style has big benefits for certain moments. Over-used or badly used, it has big weaknesses, summarized below. This post is for when you’ve thought things through and decided Directing is the right response.

Directing involves a high focus on your own goals and a low focus on pleasing others.

Be clear in your own mind about the necessity of Directing and come to terms with the role. Directing is not a particularly “nice” role. You’re choosing to ignore how others feel! But being able to use Directing is essential to living responsibly.

You can’t coordinate, administer, parent, teach, facilitate, or mediate well, without occasionally resorting to Directing. Sometimes the only right response is to be in charge, to be firm, to focus on achieving certain things without allowing yourself to be deterred by how others feel about it.

This is particularly true when we lead. It’s just not possible to please everyone. If two people both want to speak at the same time in a meeting, for example, we have to ask someone to wait, even though they might be unhappy about it.

Directing with grace is an art, best achieved from clear inner awareness of a legitimate purpose, larger than personal ego, that drives us. If you are at peace within yourself with the necessity of using Directing in the circumstances you face, you can find ways to lead, manage, supervise, or protect, as well as to disagree, challenge, and oppose that do not denigrate others.

Blend in relational styles whenever possible. Graceful Directing is about turning down the volume of your power to the lowest level necessary to achieve your goal, and blending in some relational styles like Cooperating or Harmonizing when possible.

You do need to be ready to amp up pushiness if required. But if you are skillful at blending in the relational skills typically associated with other styles and do so whenever possible, combat is rarely needed.

Many people seem to think effective Directing requires volume or anger. Once in a while, yes. But screaming drill sergeants and bellowing sports coaches are poor examples of effective Directing for most situations.

Those who master graceful Directing get important work done, set limits, make demands, and take charge, in ways that are relationally-oriented, even though the requirements of task and duty hold highest priorities. They are not always “nice” or accommodating, but even when they are non-negotiable, they are respectful towards others and they are careful to protect their dignity.

Pay attention to your non-verbals. Researchers say that 75-90% of communication is nonverbal. That means that the messages we send with body posture, tone of voice, eye movements, facial expressions, and hands matter even more than what we say in words.

So graceful Directing starts with waking up to your non-verbals. Most people are unaware of these, thus they don’t have a clue about the most important messages they are sending forth.

You can teach yourself to monitor your non-verbals, but it takes time. Welcome to the lifelong journey of self-management!

There’s no easy answer about how strongly to project your power. Some people habitually under-project, others habitually over-project. The key point is to get off automatic pilot and to pay attention to this aspect of yourself. Awareness puts a new tool in your self-management toolbox: Now you can turn the strength of your power projection up or down as needed, which increases your odds of success in interacting with others.

Transition Phrases for Graceful Directing

Why transition phrases? As conflict heats up, the part of our brain known as the reptilian brain becomes more influential. This brings primal, fight-oriented responses into the picture. As emotions rise, the lower, reptilian brain increasingly takes over from the upper brain, which coordinates communication and problem-solving. In the moment when we most need well-chosen words, the ability of our brain to formulate them is at its lowest.

A transition phrase assists in such moments. Phrases don’t magically fix things, of course, but they help get you started in the direction you’ve chosen, and learning them helps you think through valuable skills and responses. Learn several. Memorizing them is not a bad idea – so they’re on the tip of your tongue.

Provide information about what is needed. Except for emergencies (do you want the surgeon battling to save your life patiently explaining the strategy she has adopted to a confused team member?), the goal in using Directing should be to create maximum opportunity for winning compliance of others on the basis of understanding and cooperation rather than coercion.

The most effective strategy for this is providing information to others in a non-dramatic way. You will see that many of the transition phrases suggested below do precisely this.

Just fill in the blank after the crutch phrase with clear information about what you are requesting:
Please…
I’d like to ask you to….I would like you to….
Here is what we need you to do….
It would be helpful if you would…
It will work best if….
Our procedure here is that…
The rules require that….
I (we) would appreciate it if you would…..
It is important that (fill in the reason for whatever you require), so I need to ask you to….
I have quite a different understanding than you same to hold about this. Please review the facts (or rules, requirements, data, etc.). Let’s discuss it further after that if you’d like.

Whenever the situation allows, put effort into providing key info to the people involved in advance of a crisis or confrontation. That allows cooperative people – usually in the majority – to align with your plans and reduces the number of situations when you must use raw confrontation power to force people to comply. Clear signs, for example, facilitate the coordination of large numbers of people in public spaces without police needing to scream at everyone.

Acknowledge the other’s reluctance, then restate your own request. Sometimes, no matter how clear the info or how gracious you are, others disagree, or resist guidance. Sometimes, when we know that we have all the facts, when we know we are right, when we have a mission or principles or duties to protect, we have to push ahead, despite resistance.

Transition phrases for this could be:
I know this is not what you want, but we need to (whatever your demand is).
I’m sorry it’s inconvenient, but I’m afraid we need to stick with (the rule, the plan, the requirements).
I recognize that you’d prefer to do things differently, but (give the underlying reason, eg; policy, budget, precedent, etc).
I see/hear that you would like to do X (what the person wants to do), but I’m sorry to say that I need to ask you to do Y.

If you must escalate (assuming you’ve done your homework, and know you are right; but be aware that these may trigger a fight), options include:

Broken Record. Don’t get drawn into defending or explaining your demand, just keep repeating it.

Threaten consequences of non-compliance. But choose your threat carefully, remembering that a small threat often helps you more than a big one. If your threat is too big, you will hesitate to carry through on it and the other person will see your bluff. After that, all further threats have little credibility and you’ve weakened the usefulness of the strategy. The best threat is just big enough to have the desired impact yet small enough that you can promptly and easily carry it out, without second thoughts.

Go institutional. Every conflict exists in the context of groups and institutions such as families, teams, clubs, religious bodies, neighborhoods, organizations, businesses, etc. If you feel you must use Directing, it is likely the well-being of such an institution that motivates you. If not, examine carefully whether indeed this pushy style is justified.

Look for ways to draw on resources of wisdom and power from the group or institution seek to serve. You will probably need to do some homework on your own first. Talk to your supervisor, convene the elders or council, call a family meeting, review the bylaws or mission statement, study the guidelines, look at the organizational chart. If you face persistent, hardcore resistance, you need the perspective of others about how to respond. They can help you figure out if and how to invoke the power of the institution on behalf of the concerns you represent.

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I’ve known a number of people in ordinary roles who I consider ninjas in graceful Directing. There’s the front desk receptionist in a primary school my children attended (I’ve known several special angels in this role!), the affable but no-nonsense manager of a local supermarket, the friendly but ever-competent project manager of a construction company, the sweet pediatric nurse who guided us firmly through a difficult moment, the productive farmer shepherding teenage children through an array of weekly chores, the head of a religious congregation renowned for her kindness who nevertheless runs council meetings with a firm hand.

These are people with demanding duties and responsibilities. They can’t say yes to everything that comes their way. They have to coordinate, manage, limit, and control all day in order to do their job well. They must prioritize certain tasks, obligations, and duties above pleasing people. We’ve all known individuals who manage such difficult roles by being tyrants. Perhaps they get the job down, but they make everyone around them miserable.

But Directing ninjas are so graceful that others experience them as relational people, even when the Director must turn up the volume of their assertiveness. The ninjas deserve hearing our appreciation, for many of them labor unrecognized; many don’t themselves recognize the value of the gifts they bring to the world. Notice what they do, thank them for their ability to assert and lead graciously, and learn from their example as you expand your own gracefulness with this challenging style!

How to AVOID Conflict Gracefully

Sometimes when there’s a conflict, the best thing to do is say nothing and just drift away. Or to say firmly, “Let’s not take that on right now. ” If you’re good at selective conflict avoidance, you will have a greater sense of order and control in your life.

This post is the first in a series to help you expand your skill with the five styles of conflict interpersonally or in leadership. In each post I’ll show you several transition phrases for one particular style – in this post that style is Avoiding. Each of the five styles of conflict in Style Matters – which are similar to those found in the venerable if now out-dated Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument – will feature in posts that follow.

Not everyone needs this post! It’s especially useful for people who find conflict Avoiding difficult or scored low in Avoiding in their score report. If you scored high, stay tuned for future posts on styles you are under-using.

Why Transition Phrases?

We manage conflict better if we choose our responses in moments of storm, rather than blindly react.

But that’s easier to say than to do. Frustration and rising anger handicap our rational, choice-making upper brain and activate the reactive lower brain. By the time we pause and pay attention to what’s going on, we may already be pretty far down the path of reptilian brain takeover.

In these moments, it helps to have a few transition phrases on the tip of the tongue to help transition to a different conflict style. If you prepare now, in a time of calm, you will be more successful – and graceful – in deploying the conflict style of your choice in storm.

A transition phrase empowers your rational brain with key words that help it maintain control in dicey moments as the lower brain gets activated. With a little practice you’ll soon express the intention behind the phrases spontaneously.

Transition Phrases for Avoiding

Avoiding has huge benefits and huge weaknesses, summarized below. This post is for those situations where you’ve thought it through and decided Avoiding is the right response.

Of course, an easy way to avoid is to say little or just disappear. But sometimes that’s not an option and you have to say something. This is especially common if you’re leading or coordinating a group of people.

Metaphors useful in constructing an avoiding response include: set aside the issue, not go into that, maintain focus on (something else), give priority to (something else) delay or postpone discussion; wait until the time is right (or we have the energy required, the time needed, etc.), think things through, agree to disagree.

Sample transition phrases:

Let’s set that issue aside for another time. (Or similarly: Let’s save that for another time.)

I’d rather not open that up right now.

Sorry, I’m not ready to discuss that right now. I think we’d better stay focused on (whatever other task or topic is in play) for now and deal with this (contentious) question later.

I’d like to give priority to (some other task or activity requiring attention) right now and not start a discussion of that at this moment.

I agree that we need to discuss that, but I’m too (tired, stressed, distracted, upset, anxious, etc.) to take it on right now. Could we agree on another time to discuss it?

I will be a much better partner in discussing that if I take some time to think it through. Could we put it aside for now and discuss it later?

Maybe we just need to agree to disagree on that.

Whatever transition phrases you choose, they should roll easily off your tongue and feel natural to you. From the words and sentences above, pick those that seem most useful. Edit and change them to fit you. Then memorize and review them so you can use them without hesitation when Avoiding seems like the best response.

Soon the concepts behind the phrases will take root in your brain and you’ll find your own spontaneous words for a request to Avoid without a second thought.

All the above are equally useful in group leadership, by the way. It’s impossible to facilitate group discussion without using conflict avoidance from time to time. And the same goes for all the other conflict styles. Every ounce of grace that you master in use of conflict styles interpersonally will serve you well organizationally!

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Lead without Bullying

We’re reading a lot these days about leaders who bully.

In “When the Boss is a Bully”, a recent NY Times article points out that aggressive toughness has its rewards. Some people like the idea of a very task focused leader. Better to have a leader who gets the job done, albeit rudely, than one who nicely fails to deliver.

People tend to extend the benefit of any doubt to a leader who acts decisively, according to research cited in the Times article. One researcher calls this the “leader’s rosy halo” effect, a tendency for others to fall back and follow someone who is bold, decisive, and confident. There is no evidence pushy leaders offer better solutions than anyone else, but others are attracted to decisiveness and tend to follow.

Conflict Styles and Strong Leadership

A key concept in the conflict styles framework is that every conflict style has strengths and weaknesses. We need all five styles. Don’t write off toughness just because it’s not nice.

I learned this the hard way in my twenties when I found myself regretting I had not been more firm with my dog in training. One day she ignored my call, as she often did. She ran onto a road, and died under a car.

Parents learn that there are moments when failure to be strict is to put a child’s life or well-being at risk. And in a health emergency, we want a doctor who takes charge and give orders to co-workers, not one who dallies in nice dialogue with colleagues.

Every one has moments when insisting on something, without worrying about relationships or feelings of others, is the only right response. We should all cultivate the ability to be tough on demand for such moments. We should value leaders who can do that when duty requires it.

But toughness is an asset only in occasional doses. As a habit, a primary way of interacting, it’s a liability whose damage grows with time.

In organizations, the costs of over-use by leaders can be vast. Competent, loyal individuals leave, teamwork deteriorates, aggressiveness spreads like a virus into all levels of the institution, morale plummets.

Costs often take a while to become evident. By the time they are acknowledged, the damage is huge and recovery slow.

How to Maintain a Wise Balance

Are you a leader who’s pushy at times? I hope so. You may not be doing your job if your answer is never. But do you hold a healthy balance between pushing and nurturing?

Here are suggestions, drawn from the score report of my Style Matters conflict style inventory, for using the goal-oriented Directing conflict style (in the Thomas Kilmann instrument, Forcing) wisely, without falling into overuse:

Increase your context awareness. Directing is a gift where strong coordination and direction from one person are essential. It’s a requirement occasionally, not all the time. Where partnership, equality and consultation are expected, others resent over-use of Directing. Recognize this and you will avoid the Achilles Heel of this style. Read the settings you are in and adapt accordingly. When in doubt, dial back on Directing instincts. You can ratchet up assertiveness later if required, whereas relationships may never recover from the resentment you will cause if you misjudge circumstances and impose yourself inappropriately.
Expand your skills in other conflict styles so you need not rely more than necessary on Directing. In particular, master the skills of the Cooperating style which, like directing, is assertive, but adds relational skills. For example….
Hone skills in listening well. Being a good listener rarely detracts from the ability to act decisively when necessary and the info gained increases your ability to make good decisions. Plus, if you are a good listener, others are more likely to experience you as having strength tempered by wisdom rather than as simply pig-headed.
Work on relationships. Look for opportunities to support, affirm, appreciate others. Read Support Strategies for specifics on how to support each of the other styles. The Support Strategies for Cooperating, Harmonizing, and Avoiding will be especially useful info for you, for they guide in doing things that many high-energy Directors never realize others need.
Be in charge in ways that respect and honor others. Being both strong and supportive towards others is an art that requires practice. Pay close attention to your tone of voice and body language, for much is communicated by these. If in doubt, request feedback from people you trust who are not subject to you.
Consult where possible. Invite input from others and incorporate as much as you can into your work. Doing this does not remove your authority to make final decisions. The skills described above take time and effort to develop, but you can start consulting immediately. Remember, consulting is not negotiating. View it as a time to listen, learn, and gather input (about both the issues and about how people are experiencing the discussion process), not as a time to persuade.

Take my Style Matters conflict style inventory and get practical suggestions tailored to your own unique blend of conflicts here. 80% of users say they’d recommend it to others. We’ll cheerfully refund the $8 cost if you’re not fully satisfied.

How to Lead with Less Anger

Do you use an angry voice to communicate or give instructions when a firm, even voice would do the job just as well?

I witness this most commonly in sports settings, where it seems to be accepted that coaches and trainers shout angrily at those they are training. I’m not talking about raising the voice to be heard. I mean shouting with angry inflections and body language, to convey authority and motivate.

Sports isn’t the only place this happens. Every parent and teacher – and I speak as a veteran of both roles – gets ticked off at the youngsters in our charge sometimes. So do team leaders, managers, and supervisors of all sorts, working with all ages. Frustration comes with the territory of leadership.

Anger is a powerful tool for many good purposes, when used sparingly. The volume and intensity of anger say “Listen up…!” and often people do. When it’s exceptional, anger gets attention and underscores a message.

But used frequently, the positive effects of anger diminish. Anger stresses people. Eventually they tune out and turn inwards for relief from the bombardment. Then you have to shout louder for the same effect.

Worse, your emotional outbursts trigger similar responses in others. Drama and disrespect creep into many discussions and become normal. All communication suffers, frustration spirals, and morale goes down.

The Conflict Style Framework Offers Alternatives to Anger

In the conflict styles framework, frequent appearance of anger in negotiation or leadership reflects over-reliance on the Directing style of conflict response. In the chart below, Directing is on the upper left and involves a high focus on task or agenda and low focus on relationship. An angry person is focused on getting others to do what they want, not on the relationship or how people feel.

Five Styles of Conflict

That doesn’t sound very nice. But let’s be clear, that doesn’t mean this style is always a bad choice. If you can’t use Directing effectively, you’re going to let others down in a serious way. In order to protect youngsters from getting into danger, for example, every parent, every teacher, every youth leader needs to say “No!” at times and be ready to back it up with firm action. The focus in such moments is not the relationship, it’s on protecting others or upholding principles, even when this causes angry feelings.

People in all kinds of roles have a duty to place principle and duty higher than feelings and relationships at times. You don’t want the surgeon operating on you to negotiate with an assistant about procedures. You want firm, competent control by an expert professional who brooks no nonsense in getting things done right. They can patch up bad feelings later!

So hone your skills at this style. You will need it. But don’t make it a habit. If you do, it will begin to have diminishing returns and you will weaken the web of kindness and responsiveness that make organizations healthy.

Four Strategies to Reduce Reliance on Anger

If you recognize yourself in the category of over-use, you can take steps to get out of it.

1) Treat problems as information gaps rather than conflicts. As a mediator I am struck with how often big conflicts start out from simple misunderstandings. Had they been managed as such from the beginning and dealt with in calm, non-confrontational ways, many conflicts could be avoided. Things get polarize and escalate when you bring anger into the picture.

Treating problems as information gaps requires practice. Old patterns may pull you back to needless deployment of anger. To achieve the balance you seek develop these skills:

Purpose statements. Use of clear, non-confrontational statements of positive purpose makes it easier for others to work with you rather than against you, even in circumstances that could easily turn confrontational. “I’m eager to get a good night’s sleep – would you mind keeping the noise down?” has a very different impact than “Do you have to be so loud?” Similarly, “It’s important that we stay together so nobody gets lost,” calmly stated, has a different impact than shouting “Stop lagging behind!” To create purpose statements you have to think through your underlying purpose and figure out ways to communicate it in positive terms. Until you get the hang of it, you will have to prepare in advance of difficult moments to pull it off.
Clarifying questions help you interact with others in ways that invite and assist them to clarify their purpose and/or needs, without escalating an awkward moment into a conflict. There’s no catch-all formula for this, but consider these examples: “Sorry, what’s happening here is not what I was expecting. Can you help me understand this?” “I’m afraid I don’t understand what’s happening – can you clarify please what you’re trying to accomplish?” “Please say more about that, so I understand where you’re coming from….”

2) Expand your repertoire of skills for deploying influence and power. A common rationale for anger is that it is necessary to caution or block others from unacceptable behavior. But it’s not the only way to do that. Thought and preparation can often position you with different responses that don’t require any anger.

In mediation and group facilitation training, for example, we teach mediators and facilitators to call out rude behavior kindly, but firmly and early, as soon as it appears. If facilitators wait until rude behavior has multiplied, confronting it kindly is harder, for the facilitator’s own emotions have now increased.

With children, I learned that to achieve discipline without spanking or yelling I must lead by actively noticing and verbally appreciating good behavior as much as possible rather than only confronting the bad. I must take care to back my words with actions, never giving an order or threatening consequences I am not prepared to enforce. I must maintain on the tip of the tongue a series of clear and escalating responses to unacceptable behavior; my early responses must be small and simple enough that I don’t hesitate to use them.

Hospitals are a setting surprisingly vulnerable to intense conflict and hospital staff report violence-related injuries at rates far higher than other professions. To cope, many hospitals now train staff in de-escalation skills. One of these, in the words of one trainer is “calmly and firmly asserting the rules while acknowledging the other person’s humanity.”

Those examples aren’t comprehensive. The point is: Commit to an active quest to be influential and authoritative in ways that don’t depend on a turbocharge of anger. This takes time, thought, reading or discussion, and experimentation but the results can be transformative.

3) Use the Cooperating style of conflict resolution instead of Directing

In the language of conflict styles, the skills above enable you to use Cooperating as a response in situations in which you previously might have relied on Directing.

Directing and Cooperating are similar in that they share high commitment to Task. In using them we bring an agenda to engagement with others. We have a mission we feel is important to accomplish. We are assertive. This makes both Directing and Cooperating effective styles when we have a lot of work to get done, or a major responsibility we must fill.

But Cooperating adds something not present in Directing: major commitment to a relationship with those we are engaging. We pay attention to their feelings. We send frequent signals that we value them and their goals. We back up these signals with actions.

There is however a key cost you must reckon with in using Cooperating: settling on a solution takes longer and may demand more emotional energy than Directing. Unlike in Directing, you’re not just insisting on your own agenda, you’re paying attention to others, their feelings and views. There will be back and forth and a period of uncertainty as you wrestle with finding solutions that keep everyone happy.

It’s not realistic for leaders to use Cooperating on every issue. But as others see that you use Cooperating whenever possible, they will be more accepting of those occasions when realities of time, budget, or other limitations require you to use Directing.

4) Circle back later, after moments when you have voiced your wrath, and take steps to signal care for the relationship. If you were over the top, why not acknowledge it? If the anger was appropriate, you can still signal care without compromising your principles by extending a gesture of warmth or appreciation.

I think many people who overuse anger under-estimate the damage their anger inflicts on relationships. Deploying anger has become so much a part of how they interact with others that they don’t see it as unusual or especially problematic.

Others can in fact cope with surprising amounts of anger if the over-user regularly takes responsibility to tidy up the mess afterwards. Just make sure it happens. Chronic failure to do such tidy up is deeply damaging to depth and trust.

My Style Matters conflict style inventory helps groups and teams engage in thoughtful discussion about their dynamics. Check out this infographic on two easy ways to invite users to take the inventory.

Shift Dynamics with One Word

Here’s a strategy to improve dynamics in a difficult conversation: In an argument or tense discussion, replace “but” with “and”.

Lawyer/mediator Susan Ingram describes this in her recent blog. “Typically”, she writes, “When you’re having a discussion with another person, both of you are going back and forth with each of your own proposals, and not really listening to what the other person has just said.”

When we begin our comments in a conversation with “but”, Ingram says, “we are essentially negating and dismissing what the other person has just said. We are not valuing that person’s experiences and ideas and are just focusing on the point we want to make.”

Instead, she suggests, start with the word “and”. By doing this, say writes, “we are acknowledging that we have heard what the other person has said and allowing that there may be value in his or her words. Thus, we are effectively keeping the channels of communication open, encouraging problem solving, and moving the conversation along to a more likely resolution.”

Replacing “but” with “and” sounds easy, but it’s not a simple cut and replace. You have to listen carefully and craft your “and” response in a way that conveys your concerns. You have to think it through and adjust a sentence or more in order for your “and” response to make sense.

It takes effort! But then, so do exercise, healthy eating, music practice, and a lot of other things we do to create the life we want.

Put Your Neocortex in Charge

From the perspective of brain functioning, with this small change you’re revving up your neocortex or “thinking brain”. When we’re stressed, upset or afraid, the primitive reptilian part of our brain becomes more influential. Its concerns are primarily survival and defense and it sees the world in anxious, oppositional terms. Once activated, it shoves aside other brain functions and does not easily let go its control.

But you can change this. When you listen deeply to others and think carefully about how to offer a less combative response, you empower your neocortex and encourage the reptilian brain to stand down. You begin to feel less upset and more capable of creative responses. The lightening of polarization from your side often brings reduced hostility in others. It’s a great example of how attention to something simple can facilitate complex change.

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A conflict style inventory is a powerful tool for empowering the neocortex. Download a free review copy (portions blacked out) of my Style Matters conflict style inventory or lead a conflict styles workshop with my free Trainers Guide.

Pyramid of Conflict Resolution Skills

What is the connection between interpersonal conflict resolution tools like my Style Matters conflict style inventory or the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and big conflicts of our world, like ethnic and religious violence or threat of nuclear war?

The Pyramid of Competency shows the many layers of competence required for addressing the complex realities of human relationships. I’ve used it throughout the world at the beginning of conflict resolution training to locate topics on a map of “the big picture”. I also use it in helping individuals eager to pursue skill development to chart a pathway for learning.

If you took my Style Matters conflict styles inventory or the Thomas Kilmann, you’ve already given some attention to the second level, “Interpersonal negotiation and conflict resolution”.

Ponder that diagram and you get some clues about why, despite all the progress humans have made, and all the institutions we’ve created, we’re still barely out of the Dark Ages with conflict resolution.

Conflict Competency is a Continuum of Skills

One of the most important things the pyramid shows is that conflict resolution competencies are inter-connected. To be consistently effective at any level, we need a foundation of skill at lower levels.

When you get good at one level, it opens access to the next higher one. I’ll illustrate this with my own career.

I spent early years after grad school establishing a new conflict resolution agency. I had little training for this – almost none was available in the 70s – and little experience. But thanks to good modeling of parents and elders in my life – and maybe to being the fifth of seven children, I had above-average abilities in interpersonal negotiation and conflict resolution. That was enough to get started.

Part of my job was mediating interpersonal conflicts. Although I had zero training for this, I read the few resources available and used my existing interpersonal skills to avoid disaster in early mediations. I was moving up the pyramid of competence!

As my mediation skills expanded I began to train other mediators. This gave lots of opportunities to develop skills in group facilitation skills. Up another level.

Gradually opportunities came to work with group conflicts. Although this was totally new territory, I was pleasantly surprised by how useful my now thriving interpersonal mediation skills were in group settings. I had mastered basics like starting off mediation with a strong beginning, setting a framework, listening well and getting input from those involved, asking good questions, reframing destructive comments, defining issues, exploring options, working out package agreements, etc.

Also, the long hours of leading training workshops had honed my generic group facilitation skills to a fine edge.

Facilitating group conflict processes required additional skills, for sure. But the solid core of skills from interpersonal mediation and the group facilitation helped me get through difficult moments while learning new skills on the fly.

I did early group work mostly in small group settings because my repertoire of skills in large group settings was quite limited. But that changed as I figured out ways to adapt the techniques and skills I was mastering in small group facilitation to the high-wire of large group facilitation, and add new ones learned from reading and discussion with colleagues.

After 10 years I was ready for a change and was able to arrange a position in South Africa at one of the country’s oldest conflict resolution agencies. My years of experience as a mediator, facilitator, and trainer in the US and Canada gave me skills desperately needed in a country entering a major peace process.

Soon I was appointed Director of Training at the Centre for Conflict Resolution in Cape Town and eventually as Training Advisor to the National Peace Accord, an organization mandated by the political parties to deal with the conflicts that brewed continuously around the on-going negotiations. Now I was drawing on and building skills across the entire span of the pyramid!

When Leaders Have Gaps in Competence the Cost is High

As in every peace process I’ve been close to, South Africa had plenty of people eager to assert leadership in its time of crisis. But few were skilled in facilitating discussion, negotiation, and decision-making processes. This made things vulnerable, like all peace processes, to one of the most poorly recognized dynamics of conflict resolution.

People think of peace processes as conflict resolution across a table between warring parties. It is. But it’s often conflicts behind the table that most endanger success. In South Africa far more people died in fighting among the various factions of the black liberation groups as talks dragged on than between blacks and whites.

Wherever there is a high energy initiative for change, whether a liberation struggle or reform of politics or institutions, there is conflict. Not only across the table between the predictable antagonists, but behind it, brother vs. brother. Just ask the Palestinians, the Syrian opposition, the ethnic minorities of Myanmar, or the US Republican party, to name but a few current examples!

Like leaders in every other sphere – whether business, religion, education, you name it – agents of change often have huge deficits in conflict resolution skills.

These leaders may be highly effective in maneuvering in upper levels of the pyramid, for example, where brokering power deals is essential. But for leading a staff meeting of colleagues, many don’t have a clue about facilitation practices, even basic ones that can be learned in a weekend workshop.

Or they get into vicious fights with people within their own movement who challenge them. They claim credit for things others have done, or opportunistically seize positions and power at the expense of their own colleagues.

The result is chronic frustration and blockage of processes among people serving beneath them and with groups who could be powerful allies.

Where such things happen it reflects the reality of gaps in competency in the lower levels of the pyramid, often the first three or four levels.

The consequences can be devastating. Movements of thousands or millions of people, constructed over decades, are sometimes shattered when organizations fall apart due to rivalries and resentments among key leaders.

My illustrations have been from the world of political change and conflict resolution, but it’s the same in most professions and sectors, whether education, religion, human services, or business. People in leadership may be widely esteemed for certain competencies. But many have huge gaps of competency in conflict resolution in levels beneath the one for which they are recognized.

Even Many “Peace Professionals” Have Big Gaps

A big reason why so many fires of conflict continue to burn unresolved throughout the world is because even in the structures of diplomacy and international conflict resolution, individuals with solid competencies in all the levels required are exceedingly rare.

I’m appalled by how many people I met in my years in the UN who carried mandates to support peace processes affecting millions of people, who clearly had no mastery of basic mediation and facilitation processes. Or who were driven by personal needs for recognition and control that deeply contradicted their professional effectiveness.

Expertise is Required at Every Level

Every family, neighborhood, institution, enterprise, community, region, and nation has to manage difficult issues. Even if outright conflict is not present, people have to talk things through and make decisions with others. People skilled in the competencies described in the pyramid are a tremendous asset in this.

To be serious about peaceful resolution of conflict, we need to train people at every level of the pyramid. Five hundred years ago the idea that everyone should be taught to read and write was laughable. Yet today we take universal education for granted.

Someday maybe it will be expected that everyone gets training in the basics of conflict resolution, and that portions of the populace will be trained in the higher levels of competency.

Can you imagine how different a world it would be if governments, political parties, religious organizations, businesses, medical institutions, etc., were led by people skilled in all the competencies corresponding to their position? When that day comes, we’ll remember today as the Dark Ages of conflict resolution!

Selfishness, envy, greed, ego, and other weaknesses will still be with us. But at least we will have a chance of reducing the consequences of our deeply rooted shadows.

Back to Conflict Styles Training

So where does conflict styles training fit into all this? As I pointed out in the beginning, it belongs with other rudimentary skills – like listening, basic conflict analysis, and effective confrontation – down there on the second tier. Such skills in interpersonal conflict are foundational, required by everyone and essential to success in all the other levels. If you’re not good at them, you’re going to perform inconsistently as a mediator, facilitator, leader, or president.

Conflict styles training is a great way to get people started on learning that can become an epic journey of preparation for higher levels of conflict resolution leadership. People learn about themselves in conflict styles training, but they also learn something else that is a new concept for many: Anyone can significantly improve their skills and tools for resolving conflict.

This discovery is enough to launch many people on a journey of expanding competency that lasts for a lifetime.

About Personal Foundations

The lowest level, personal foundations of self-knowledge, self-care, and integrity, is challenging. It’s hard to describe, measure and teach these things. They’re the product of a lifetime of struggle, reflection, and learning. All of us are deeply challenged here.

The schools and institutions currently training conflict resolution experts for various sectors are largely silent about this level. Little to nothing is said about the importance of inner maturity and wisdom. Training or support to grow on this level? Mostly zip.

I came to see this competency as fundamental through painful life experience. I was deeply disappointed by encounters with peacebuilders who were neither honest nor honorable. I was disillusioned by the dawning realization that in many conflicts the inability of peacebuilders to practice what they preach and work cooperatively with other peacebuilders is as big a block to peace processes as the dynamics between disputants.

I struggled with burnout and witnessed devoted colleagues severely handicapped by it.

So in designing a new Masters Program in Conflict Transformation at Eastern Mennonite University, I proposed to teach a course, “Disciplines for Transforming the Peacebuilder”. In the 10 years I taught it, many students said it was the most important course they took.

In the coming months I’ll be publishing essays from that course. If you share the conviction that this is an essential and poorly recognized element of preparation for conflict resolution, go to Settings for this blog now and make sure you’re set to receive posts on “Transforming the Peacebuilder” so you receive those posts as I send them.

Can We Afford All Those Levels and All Those Skills?

You might look at all those levels and skills, throw up your hands and say it’s too much.

Actually, it’s far from impossible. We don’t need to figure out anything new. We already know how to train people in every skill. The main challenge is simply that of building resolve to get institutions, schools, professions, and governments to do the obvious at a scale big enough to make a difference.

Those skills bring enormous benefits to those who use them. Listening, analyzing, and seeking creative solutions, which lie at the heart of conflict resolution, are central to human production and to the creation of wealth and social capital. People and organizations thrive when they are abundantly applied.

The benefits of systematically building skills of conflict resolution far outweigh the costs. The truth is: We can’t afford not to invest in them. Every day we pay – and dearly – for the costs of scarcity here.

What are you doing to change that in the realms where you have expertise, relationships, and credibility?

Ron Kraybill, PhD
www.kraybilltable.com

Stop Giving Others Insult Power

Do you know people who get upset and insulted easily? They may not realize it, but they’re setups for easy manipulation. When you’re easily triggered, you’re a sitting duck for anyone having a bad day.

All it takes is a few choice words. Your buttons are pushed and you shuffle yourself off to the land of the Grumps.

Why give other people that kind of power over you?

Be Un-Insultable

You have no control over the behavior of others. You can’t stop them from being annoying. But you can remove your “Insult” button from easy public access. Be un-insultable.

It’s much easier said than done, of course. But it’s a choice you can make and work at achieving.

Un-Insultability in Practice

It even works with kids – if you can remember to do it. After starting this piece one night, I made supper for my 8 year twins. My culinary labors complete, I called the boys. But rather than devour what I’d prepared, they moaned about what I’d made and loudly declared they weren’t going to eat it.

When I said, “Well, that’s what we have tonight,” they announced that they weren’t going to eat supper at all and walked out of the kitchen.

Spoiled brats! I thought. They need to know this is not acceptable! I paused for a few seconds, brimming with righteous anger, to think about how to deliver the message with greatest impact.

In the pause I remembered what I’d just been writing about. And had to smile. A few minutes ago I was writing praise for the idea of being un-insultable. Here I stood now, undeniably offended. By eight year olds!

So what would it look like, I wondered, if I refused to be insulted and angry?

“That’s what the cook made for supper,” my dad used to say when I complained about food as a child. I wasn’t about to renege on that time-tested principle now. But there was no reason not to enjoy my own supper and no reason I had to be offended because the boys wouldn’t eat what I’d made.

I set aside their food and proceeded with preparations for myself. I coaxed myself into a song as I worked. As I was about to sit down and eat, a young dinner-denier wandered back into the kitchen. “Oh, well, maybe I’ll just eat what you made,” he said breezily.

Two minutes later, his brother appeared. As if the earlier exchange had never happened, the two proceeded – without a murmur of complaint – to devour the meal they’d just vowed never to eat.

OK, it’s not always that easy! Pick your own easy battle for starters. This attitude takes practice!

For more on being un-insultable, see this video by Roger Reece, the trainer and consultant who coined the term. He’s a good presenter and you’ll learn a lot in the 4 minute clip.

Take a Conflict Style Inventory – Thomas Kilmann or Style Matters

No matter how good you get at being un-insultable, there will still be times when you need to actively challenge others. A conflict style inventory such as the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument or my Style Matters conflict style inventory is a quick way to get a snapshot of your instincts in conflict and a framework to analyze your choices.

Watch for future blogs with more concepts to help get your attitude where you want it to be.

Share your experience with being un-insultable in Comments!

Can You Lead in Emergencies?

Can you lead in times of emergency? Don’t think that’s for someone else. Life exempts none from this call.

Unless you’re a hermit, a time will come when you too must act and lead in the face of danger, no matter your rank or station.

And now is the time to prepare.

Directing Stars in Emergencies

In times of grave threat, tough decisions must be made and actions quickly taken. What protective measures to take? Must you flee? What to carry with you? Who gets priority for assistance? What about those who won’t budge? Where to shelter and how to get there?

Professional emergency responders such as police, fire, medical, and transportation structure decision-making and action in tight chain-of-command hierarchies. Superiors decide and give orders; subordinates obey.

When lives depend on getting things done quickly, there’s no time for consultation and debate. The Directing style of conflict management and decision-making stars in emergencies. (For a 30 second overview of this and the other four conflict styles, see “Intro to Conflict Styles” slideshow).

High Focus on Goal or Task, Low Focus on Relationships

The essence of Directing is focusing narrowly on a certain goal or task, without being distracted by objections and feelings, or relationships. “Like it or not, here is how we are doing it.” The focus is not on keeping others happy but on achieving a goal or outcome.

Directing Doesn’t Always Feel Good

Directing is pushy. Sometimes you have to insist on things others dislike or resist. If you use this style regularly in non-emergency settings or long-term relationships, the cost is very high. People withdraw from a bossy know-it-all. Teamwork and morale plummet.

But don’t think that since you are not a bossy person, this is never a style for you. You wouldn’t be here if your ancestors hadn’t used Directing to defend their children. You’re at risk in the next emergency life if medical, police, or fire responders don’t have a smoothly functioning chain of command based on it.

Worse, you will fail to protect people you love some day if you aren’t able to use Directing yourself and model effective use of it to others.

One of my life lessons in this came, oddly enough, in dog training. When I was young, my family adopted a beautiful puppy. We loved her very much and I invested a lot of time in training her. She learned quickly except for one thing: coming when called.

One day, playing with me in the yard our one year old dog saw something interesting across the street and ran for it. I knew the danger and called frantically for her to come. But dear Chao Mei ignored me and ran into the path of a car. A few seconds later, she was history.

I was surprised at how much sadness this loss brought for a fortnight into our life. I felt guilty and pondered my role in it. Clearly, there were elements of chance and animal instinct at work beyond my control.

Yet had I been more demanding and less flexible in my training, or perhaps less eager to please Chao Mei by letting her run free close to a busy road, she might not have died.

I thought about this often in later years as I raised young children through the predictable dangers of growing up. Seat belts, sidewalks on busy streets, crowded malls, computers and screens, early driving experience, etc. Parenting requires frequent response in Directing mode!

If not parenting, someday you will be tasked with chauffeuring a youth group on an urban field trip, or driving colleagues careless about seat belts, or managing finances for a group, or coordinating schedules for use of a facility shared by many, or needing to get urgent medical attention for someone you love whose life is in danger.

Or you’ll be a professional with special responsibility during crises: police, emergency personnel, doctors and nurses, legal representatives, finance people, etc.

The day will come when you will gravely let down other human beings if you do not have the ability to “stand up on your hind legs” when necessary, to speak in a strong voice, make a demand, assert authority, perhaps take control.

There is a time when the most loving, responsible, devoted-to-others thing you can do is to be decisive, focused on a goal, and demanding. Even though others are unhappy about it.

“Competing”: The Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument

The venerable Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument names this style “Competing”. It is true that Directing can look like competing. But as a descriptor of emergency response, the word is misleading.

When a police officer is evacuating a neighborhood threatened by flooding and says, “We want you to leave and travel only on designated highways,” it’s not about competition. It’s about providing firm direction on behalf of public safety and order.

When the financial controller in a company issues a directive to reduce spending by 20% for the rest of the year, she’s probably not into competing. She’s just dead serious about ensuring financial survival and preserving jobs.

Improve Your Skill in Directing

Everyone should develop capacity to use Directing effectively when circumstances require. But it’s not as simple as just amping up your volume. A human bulldozer on the loose in crisis is no help either. You need all the other conflict/leadership styles as well in emergencies.

In a coming post I propose strategies for self-assessment and change, discuss the common error of using anger as a crutch in Directing, and suggest ways to expand your impact with this essential conflict style. Stay tuned!

Yes, you! Pay attention!

You can get an objective, psychometrically validated snapshot of your conflict style patterns. Take my Style Matters conflict style inventory here for $7.95. Answer twenty questions and get a 10 page score report with detailed feedback about your unique personal responses in conflict and high stress leadership situations. Or take the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument here for $18.95. Compare the two here.

How Does Conflict Style Shape Destiny?

I spent much of the last month writing new text for the score report of Style Matters. That’s the 10 page personalized report from the online version of my conflict style inventory, whose numbers, with my reflections thereon, go out to users after taking the inventory.

Commanders in military establishments, janitors in neighborhood associations, freshmen at Bible colleges, and pretty much everybody in between read (and I like to think, ponder) this thing; according to logs on our server, nearly 365 days a year.

As usual in our multi-religious family, I did both Pesach and Easter celebrations. Sort of. But mostly, while others congregated for holidays, I wrestled epiphanies in text on my laptop.

And got new hope and vision as I remembered why conflict resolution continues to grip me. Here my traditionalist and my modernist, my believing and my agnostic, my monastic and my populist selves meet. Conflict, or at least reflecting on human responses to it, remains holy ground to this once Mennonite farmer, now aging peace process facilitator.

Conflict Style Awareness is More than Technique

“Conflict management starts with self-management,” we say on the Style Matters frontpage. The lone boatman there launches his journey to an unknown destination, symbol of the journey that peacebuilding can launch us on.

We’re not talking technique here. This is a journey of growth – intellectual, emotional and spiritual – that lasts a lifetime.

The choices we make in conflict – about what to defend and how, what to cut loose and why, the strategies, defenses, and tools we use in dealing with those we disagree with, how to respond to victory and loss – all shape who we become and the legacy we leave. This applies to individuals, institutions, and nations.

One of my long-term goals in the development of Style Matters is to forge a learning tool that corresponds to the richness of the topic it addresses.

Larger issues of purpose, values, and meaning inevitably emerge for those who contemplate response to conflict and are ready to consider them.

It’s not for me to supply answers to those larger issues. But I do aspire, without apology, to devise a learning tool that, as it doles out buckets of tactical insight, fosters awareness that in responding to conflict, in our patterns and habits, over time, our choices shape us, who we become, and the kind of world we leave for others.

Precisely the lack of such awareness blocks the growth and enduring change required to reduce misery and violence in our world.

What’s New in the Score Report

The upgraded report squeezes a lot of additional insight from scores.

For the first time the report now addresses style combinations. Many people have scores that indicate equal preference for two or more styles. This suggests special strengths – and special vulnerabilities.

For example, people who score high in both the Directing style (known as Forcing in the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument) and Avoiding styles may be unusually well equipped to function in settings of high conflict and wily opponents.

But the skill set that comes with these two styles is not very relational. Such people probably need to make special efforts to build personal relationships. See a sample of part of the text at end of this post for the combination of Cooperating and Compromising

There are ten possible such score combinations in the Mouton Blake framework underlying Style Matters (as well as the Thomas Kilmann instrument, which originally inspired us, first in concept, then as a standard for betterment). The Style Matters score report now provides detailed commentary for those users who score high for one of these combos.

In the coming weeks I’ll add these new scripts to our Trainers Guide for trainers who use paper and pencil versions and don’t benefit from the automated number-crunching of the online version.

I was struck in writing these with how much insight looking at combinations provides. So far as I’m aware, this is new territory among conflict style inventories, including the Thomas Kilmann. I’m eager to hear user comments about this innovation!

In addition, we added tie-breakers to the interpretation algorithm. As a result, tied scores and the uncertainties this creates for some users are now less common.

Yet another upgrade addresses the question: What can you do to improve your patterns of conflict style use? I added many practical suggestions for expanding use of your low-scoring styles.

Together with an upgrade to formatting and headings, this is a major revision that expands the size of the report to 6-10 pages.

How to Get Your New Score Report

If you took the inventory in the past, login now for a fresh read of your report with these improvements. You don’t need to re-take the inventory. The new report uses the data from your previous take and mines it in new ways.

The login has been been moved to the upper right of the front page. If you’ve lost your password, use password recovery under the login fields to reset yours. After login, go to “Style Matters Online” in the top menu, for options to view, print, and email your new report. First time users, order here and then go straight to the inventory.

Sample text on the combination of Cooperating and Compromising

Too Ticked to Talk Nice

You can’t do conflict resolution without doing anger management.

Anger is an emotion that everyone needs. Don’t wish it away. It provides resources essential to self-protection and survival. It helps us respond quickly, with high energy, to dangerous or unpleasant situations.

But that doesn’t mean it’s fine to rant when you’re pissed.

Talk About Anger in a Non-Angry Way

Researchers in several fields find that expressing anger in an angry way feeds the problem.

You can talk about your anger without yielding to the impulse to be aggressive or to hurt others. Say that you are angry, say why you are angry, say what could be done to improve things – and say these things without being hurtful, hostile or rude.

When Anger is too Great for Constructive Talk

If you cannot yet do this, limit communication so you don’t feed anger or damage to relationships. Use the cool-down time:

for journaling, which has been shown to be highly effective in helping people regain perspective on anger;
to do some detective work about your emotions (see point 3 in my essay on anger management);
to review how to present your concerns in ways most likely to bring positive response from your counterpart.

When You’re Ready to Talk

When you talk, consider the conflict style of your counterpart. See my blog posts about the two-step approach and my detailed suggestions of support strategies for each style.

Regardless to conflict style, a formula that helps to frame things in a non-aggressive way is the “I message” or “Impact statement”. The idea is to avoid the accusatory tone of “You are X,Y,Z.”

Instead, describe the impact of what your counterpart is doing on you and your emotions. “I feel… when you… because….” Or, “The impact of what you do on me is YYY….”

For situations where anger is intense, you are more likely to have a successful experience in conversation if you agree on a way to structure it. For example:

Use a “talking stick” and agree that you will pass it back and forth as you speak. You can speak only when you are holding the talking stick (or pen, pillow, book, etc.)
Agree on a sequence to organize the conversation, such as: “We’ll begin by giving each person 5 minutes to explain without interruption what they are upset about. Then we’ll try to list the issues where we disagree. Third, we’ll see if there are points that we agree on. Fourth, we’ll return to where we disagree and try to resolve those.”
Agree to ground rules. For example, agree that each person needs to repeat back in their own words what the other person has said, to the satisfaction of that person, before responding. Use this structure for at least 15 minutes , and agree when to relax it. The pattern is: Person A speaks, Person B repeats back in his or her own words. Person B speaks, Person A repeats back, etc.

Live for Soul Not Magic

I’ve tried all the above and found them all helpful enough that I continue to use and teach them. But I’ve also learned there’s no magic – no wording or strategies that guarantee a good outcome when feelings are deep or someone is in a hard emotional space.

Even after teaching and writing about tools for conflict resolution for several decades, I still fail to achieve constructive communication in some circumstances where I try hard for it. So will you.

One of the ambiguous gifts of age is that we come to accept that which is. We learn that ultimately we have no real control over anything or anyone other than ourselves, and not always not even that. We learn to rest when we have done what we can, even if the outcome is not what we seek. These learnings shape the character of the soul and none shapes us more profoundly than our encounters with anger.

When life brings opportunities to practice the arts of resting peacefully in that which is and cannot be changed, do not close your heart to them.

For more on anger management, see:

My essay “What to Do When You’re Angry”
Research about anger in online networks by Jeff Lohr
Book by Robert Allan, Getting Control of Your Anger