Principles of Anger Management

What to Do When You're Angry

No matter what your conflict style, conflict brings anger. So anger management is an essential part of conflict management. Some guiding principles:

1. Anger is not the issue. How you manage it is what matters.

Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Don’t wish it away – it provides resources essential to self-protection and survival. Its key resource is ability to respond quickly - with high energy - to threatening situations. Our goal should be to manage anger so its energies are directed constructively. We do this more easily if we consider it an ally requiring careful mobilization rather than an enemy to be rid of.

2. Some people express anger externally, others direct it internally.

Anger that is externally expressed is easy to see - lots of noise, quick movements, and aggressive energy. Its dangers for relationships, emotions, and health are obvious. Anger directed internally is less visible, but carries large dangers of its own: chronic anxiety leading to stress-related illnesses and depression, relationships that die a slow, quiet death from distance and apathy, loss of hope and energy as people give up on things; periodic explosions when anger cannot be contained inside. If we only shut off or quieten expressions of anger we simply exchange one set of difficulties with another. The goal is healthy management of anger.

3. Anger is a secondary emotion.

There is always another emotion that comes before anger. Learn to be a good detective in uncovering what that emotion is, for when you can name it, you will move to a new level of self-management. Ask yourself – what other emotions do I sense here?

A clue: fear in one form or another lies behind almost all anger. Fear of injury, loss, or abandonment, fear of loss of autonomy or control, fear of embarrassment or exposure, etc. Most people are more in touch with anger than with their fears. After all, the heat and energy of anger is more life-giving than the cold paralysis of fear. And because anger rouses and activates, it has greater capacity to assist survival. But anger can easily crowd out attention to less noisy underlying issues. Anyone can learn to recognize the deep roots of their anger and, perhaps for the first time ever, position themselves to address it.

As you develop awareness of this primary emotion, work to understand it. Ask yourself:

What sensations in my body do I associate with this emotion? (queasy gut, tight shoulders, sweaty palms, etc.)
Where, when, with whom have I experienced this emotion in the past? Almost always, the emotions that trigger badly managed anger have their roots in experiences of childhood or youth.
How did you deal with that past experience?
What resources do you have today that you didn’t have or didn’t use back then?
Some tools you can use to put that ancient experience to rest:
Write a letter to someone who helped create the original fear. From a place of strength express your outrage. Do not send it; keep it for a few weeks, and when you are ready, destroy it.
Write a letter of solidarity from yourself of today to yourself as you were in the original experience. File it, at least for a few months.
With an understanding partner, roleplay a conversation with the source of your original anger.Be outraged and speak from a place of strength in the roleplay.

Recognize strengths or benefits that emerged in you as a result of that experience: grit, endurance, understanding, etc. No, this does not mean what happened was OK. It means rather that you are honoring your ability to not be completely defeated by hardship. Oddly, honoring strengths developed through hardship helps us rise above the past.

4. Self-awareness is key to anger management.

Anger is a problem when we are not able to make conscious choices about what to do with it. A rewarding path to anger management is simply to increase our ability to recognize its presence in us and our response to it. The suggestions in point 3 above can help do this. When we can consciously recognize the physical sensations that accompany anger, we make better choices about what to do with our emotions.

Some great tools for this are found in Buddhist literature, which sees lack of awareness as the primary obstacle to spiritual growth. Pema Chodron's "Don't Bite the Hook", for example, suggests that our inner response has "a familiar smell, a familiar taste" that we can easily learn to recognize. If we catch it early enough, she says, we can direct our response before it overwhelms us.

Mike Fisher, founder of the British Association of Anger Management, says anger is a defence mechanism against pain, and has produced a series of short, to-the-point free videos looking at anger from this perspective. (For fast reading, see the transcripts of the videos on that site, beneath the viewer) Some of these are for dealing with our own anger, some for dealing with the anger of others.

If you struggle with anger, seek greater awareness of the influence of pain, past and present, on your thoughts and emotions. Such awareness won't alone make the pain go away, but it can increase your ability to avoid being controlled by your pain. If you are hurt by the anger of others, you may find it empowering to consider them as individuals struggling - not very successfully - against deep inner pain.

5. Healthy expression of anger means talking about your anger without being aggressive.

Recent research shows that expressing anger in an angry way feeds the problem. You can talk about your anger without yielding to the impulse to be aggressive or to hurt others. Say that you are angry, say why you are angry, say what other people can do to help improve things - and say these things without being hurtful, hostile or rude. If you cannot yet do this, limit your communication when you are angry so you reduce the damage to others. Follow up with talking after you have cooled down, and use the cool-down time for detective work in preparation (see 3 above) or to review communication skills that might be useful.

When you talk, a formula that often helps to frame things in a non-aggressive way is the “I message”: “I feel….when you…. because…” A similar tool is the “Impact statement”: “The impact of what you do on me is the following….”

You are more likely to have a successful experience in this conversation if you agree on a way to structure it. For example:

Use a “talking stick” and agree that you will pass it back and forth as you speak.You can speak only when you are holding the talking stick (pen, pillow, book, etc.)
Agree on a sequence to organize the conversation, such as: “We’ll begin by giving each person 5 minutes to explain without interruption what they are upset about. Then we’ll try to list the issues where we disagree. Third, we’ll see if there are points that we agree on. Fourth, we’ll return to where we disagree and try to resolve those.
Agree to ground rules. For example, agree that each person needs to repeat back in their own words what the other person has said, to the satisfaction of that person, before responding.Carry this structure for at least 15 minutes into the conversation, and agree when to relax it. The pattern is: Person A speaks, Person B repeats back. Person B speaks, Person A repeats back. Repeat and continue.

6. Conflict style awareness is a simple and powerful tool for self-management.

When you recognize there are at least five different ways to respond to any conflict you expand your options and increase your chances of responding constructively. Comedian Craig Ferguson says that he has learned, when he is angry, to ask himself three questions:

1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said now?
3) Does this need to be said now by me?

That's actually a simple strategy for conflict avoidance, often a good short-term choice if we or others have difficulty with anger management. Similarly, remembering that there are skills we can use to find solutions that meet the needs of both sides may help us to invest the energy required to cooperate in exploring the needs of both sides.

7. Make things right when you cause harm.

Hurting others is an inevitable consequence of poorly managed anger. Fortunately, most people get over such hurt pretty quickly if you are diligent about cleaning up the mess you’ve made. Apologize, without condition. Not a cowardly “I’m sorry if I hurt you…” or a whiny, blaming “I’m sorry I said that but you were the one who started it…”

If you’ve done harm, be courageous and admit it openly, take responsibility for your own actions, and give the other person space to recover at their own timing. "What I said was hurtful and exaggerated. I hurt you and I’m sorry.” Know that people move at differing speeds to the point of readiness for such an exchange.

A critical point: Timing is everything in apologies, so do not rush the process. A hasty apology is often understood by others as – and ofen is - a polite form of shushing, a way of sparing the apologizer the effort and stress that comes with hearing a full articulation of the painful consequences of their actions. It also positions the apologizer one convenient step away from grabbing the role of wounded one, as in “But I've apologized, so why are you still angry!” Offered as a hasty reaction or as a demand for forgiveness, apology may in fact be a mechanism for evading responsibility. At the very least, a too-hasty apology is likely to be perceived as such.

Apologize has the most transformative effect after someone who is wounded has recovered a bit and no longer at a peak of frustration. If you caused the wound, consider a double apology – the first may be early and brief, just enough to signal your spirit and intentions. The second one may come later, after the other person has recovered composure and is ready to forgive. And of course sometimes it is a good idea to ask the one you have hurt: "I want to let you know that I am sorry about what I did, and I want to say this to you when you are ready to hear it. Is this a good time or shall I wait?"

Weathering the Storm Shift

How to Manage Your Storm Shift in Conflict Resolution

What is a Storm Shift?

Some people experience a change in preferred style as conflict heats up. They begin a conflict with one style but as emotions and stress rise, they shift to a different style. They may shift:

from a style of Harmonizing in Calm conditions to Directing as things move into the tension of Storm conditions;
from Directing to Avoiding or Harmonizing as emotions rise and it becomes apparent that achieving their own agenda is not possible;
from Cooperating to Directing or Harmonizing, etc.
or any other combination of styles.

Others around them may be relieved and pleasantly surprised by a Storm shift, if it is a change towards greater flexibility. But others are likely to be upset if it is a change towards less flexibility. Some people who make a Storm shift do so quite suddenly. This is particularly confusing for others, if the shift is towards Avoiding. If it is towards Directing, it may be shocking.

Steps You Can Take

Study your patterns in Calm and Storm. Are there major changes? If any of the numbers increase or decrease by three or more, chances are that others around you are confused when this happens.

A small Storm shift is normal. Even a large shift is not necessarily bad. The key is to be aware that it happens and to manage it well. For example:

Learn to recognize your own inner signs that accompany such a shift: a suddenly pounding heart, heat in the face or neck, a flash of anger in the head, churning in the gut, or icy fear in the chest. Ask people who know you well to give you feedback about what they notice when you become stressed in conflict. Simple awareness is your most important tool for self-management. But be patient with yourself! Developing such self-awareness requires practice. It comes only through a process of careful effort and disciplined reflection over a period of time.
If awareness alone is not enough to achieve the response you seek, discuss with others you trust what you could do when you feel stressed that would help you use the style you want to use.
In relationships that are important to you, it is probably a good idea to communicate to others about what is happening inside you as the Storm shift takes place. Acknowledge the change in your style and provide information about what you are feeling or want to accomplish. E.g.: "I realize I am getting upset here and my tendency is to back off/get louder/get more insistent on talking things though (whatever your storm style does)." If you present it in tones of self-disclosure and not of threat, this information makes it easier for others to understand what is going on and to respond more positively. You can practice this on your own when you are not in a conflict so as to refine the wording.
In primary partnerships, tell your partner about your scores on this test and invite feedback. Does he or she see a significant Storm shift in your behavior? Do they have things they want to suggest that would make life easier for them when you experience a Storm shift?
See the section in this site on Anger Management.

Suggested Learning Exercise: Compare your numbers in Calm and Storm for each style. The printout shows specifically in which style there is a significant shift in style. If there is a shift in any of your styles of three points or more from Calm to Storm, pay attention to this. If the shift is five points or more, chances are that your Storm shift confuses or alarms others at times. In this case, the tips above for managing your Storm shift are likely to bring special rewards for you as you get better at applying them.

Research Notes

Ron Kraybill, author of Style Matters, credits early awareness that many people experience a stress shift from calm to storm to Professor Susan Gilmore and Patrick Fraleigh, authors of the insightful personality inventory, the Frlendly Style Profile (Eugene, OR: Friendly Press). Recent research in neurobiology provides important new support for insights about human functioning that, back in the 1980s when Gilmore and Fraleigh developed their instrument, were largely ignored.

We now know that under stress, brain functioning changes. As fear, anger, or chronic stress escalate, our higher, cognitive brain functions are increasingly shoved aside by the reptilian brain, whose mission is primarily about survival and whose coping strategies are limited to fight, flight, or flee. The research findings demonstrating this are now so clear that conflict style models unable to recognize the behavior changes that inevitably accompany escalation of conflict are out of date. Here's a clear, detailed description.

How to Interpret Your Scores

No time to work through the full tutorial? Get the key info about your own main styles in the Score Report in the menu above.
If you have a few minutes, learn about the principles underlying good style management and get valuable info about all the styles, not just your own, in the tutorial that follows.

If you have not done so already, first read your score report. You will need this information as you follow instructions in the tabs below.

Guide to Your Scores

Highest Score
Lowest Score
Scores are Nearly Equal
Costs & Benefits of Each

Pay most attention to the style in which you scored highest in Storm. This is the style you are most likely to use when you are in challenging circumstances and emotions are aroused. If you have two styles with equally high scores, study both of them.

Every style has a set of strengths that come with it, as well as a unique set of problems or weaknesses that arise if you rely too much on this style for all situations. It is important to both honor the strengths and recognize the weaknesses of your highest style and to do so in that order. If you start with the strengths, you will find it easier to also recognize the dangers of over-use of this style and choose other styles when they are more appropriate.

If you have a score of 12 or more in this style or if it is 4 or more points higher than any other style, you are especially likely to experience the costs of unwise use.

Learning activity: Read the section in your Report called "Your Highest Score in Storm"

For additional study, compare your highest style to the other four styles at Benefits of Wise Use and Costs of Unwise Use and Choosing the Right Style (available online only; the info at those links is not in the hard copy printout).

Study the style you use least in Calm. If in doubt (for example, if you have several scores within a point or two of each other), give special attention to the style that you feel is the hardest for you to use well. Since this is the style you are probably least skilled in, expanding your ability to use it will open new options for responding in conflict.

Learning activity: Read the section in your Expanded Report called "Your Lowest Score in Calm"
For Further Learning:
a) Review the strengths and weaknesses of all five styles on the page Strengths and Weaknesses of Each Style and the page Choose the Right Style.

b) Think about skills or attitudes your own lowest style requires and consider ways to strengthen these. There is a good chance that you had early life experiences with people close to you who over-used this style and that this contributes to your reluctance to use the style. If this is so, consider the difference between wise use and over-use. Identify situations that might arise in your life when that this style might be the best response.

If your numbers are very close, within 2-3 points of each other, you may be equally skilled in all styles. This is a strength, the mark of a flexible repertoire of responses to conflict. However, one limitation of flexibility is that it can make you seem unpredictable to others. In conflicts, give special attention to communicating your intentions so others understand what you are up to. You may have an inner sense that one of the styles is more difficult for you than others. If so, pay special attention to this style.

Learning Exercise: Discuss these numbers with one or several other people. Conflict is a social phenomenon; you will learn more if you make your study of it a social experience as well. You can learn a great deal by comparing numbers with someone else who has taken this inventory. If you are taking the inventory on your own, explain the numbers to a friend or loved one. Ask for feedback: Do the numbers fit what you do in real life?

The concept that each style has benefits and costs is one of the most important ideas in conflict style management. As we become more aware of these, choosing the best response in any situation gets easier. You can review them for all five styles here.

Learning Exercise. Have a small group discussion. Each person tells their scores and comments on them. There are suggestions of questions for discussion. For one-on-one discussion, see Exercise 1. For group discussion, see Exercises 1-4.

Go to Weathering the Storm Shift....

What Goes into a Conflict Style?

An explanation of things displayed in the "Intro to Conflict Styles" slideshow.

In any situation of conflict, there are two things going on.

One is that people have an agenda, that is, their own goals or expectations. Sometimes we don't care very much whether our own agenda is met and we are not assertive about it. But sometimes we care a lot and are very assertive.So the vertical axis shows this range, from low commitment to our own agenda to high commitment. Read more here....

A second thing that is going on in any conflict: there is a relationship of some kind. Sometimes we are very committed to that relationship and our response communicates that to others.Other times we are not very committed to that relationship, or at least in that moment we feel and act as though we don't care. That might sound bad, but it is not always wrong - for example, if someone you will never see again shouts an insult at you on the highway, there is no point in worrying about how to"fix" that relationship.Just get home safely and forget about it.On the diagram, the relationship is charted on a horizontal line, again showing that we may have a low focus on ( or commitment to) the relationship or a high focus.

If we put these two dynamics together in a diagram, we can identify five different styles of responding to conflict. The styles differ according to what we are focusing on in the moment of conflict: our own agenda or the relationship or both.

So which style is best?

None of the styles is the best response for all situations of conflict. Each style is useful for certain situations when other styles wouldn't be very useful. For example...

The Harmonizing response down there on the right sound great. Isn't it good to give a high priority to relationships? Harmonizing brings kindness and comfort into relationships.

But kindness and comfort cannot always be our priority. If a child runs into the street, no loving parent will smile sweetly and say "I love you." There's only one wise response here: Grab the little wanderer fast, and haul him back to the sidewalk, regardless to his feelings in that moment or the quality of the relationship for the next ten minutes. That's a Directing response, because the parent doesn't focus on the relationship in that moment - the agenda of saving a life takes priority.

In organizations, if staff are not getting the job done, or doing it incorrectly, no competent manager will Harmonize. Managers have an obligation to challenge people to higher performance, even if some staff are annoyed by the challenge. That means a Directing or at least a Cooperating response at times, for both of these push others with our own agenda.

Cooperating is another response that sounds great. High commitment to the task, and to the relationship - the best of both worlds. Yes, it is a great response for many circumstances. More than any other of the styles, it is one that really improves the lives of most people when they strengthen their skills in Cooperating. More on that later. But the point for now is different: Cooperating is not the best response for all conflicts. It takes time, effort, and skill to talk things through in the indepth way required to both push your own agenda and support the needs of others. It's not possible to give that much energy to all conflicts.

If you try to use cooperating as a response to all conflicts, you will run out of time and energy. If your organization is buying new office furniture, is it a good use of staff time and energy to have everyone sit down and talk through all the options in the thorough way that Cooperation requires? Probably it is not. Probably it will be much better for your organization if one person, or a small committee, makes this decision for everyone and simply announces the plans.

Few people have the time and energy required to use a Cooperating response in all conflicts. Life will be easier and better if we avoid some conflicts, Harmonize in others, or use Directing or Compromising in still others.

In other words, a key goal is flexibility.

Each style has strengths and weaknesses. We manage conflict better when we are able to use each style well. Then we can choose style responses that fit the circumstances we are in.

The difficulty is that most of us get good at and favor one or two styles, and then we tend to rely on it for all circumstances. We learn much of this when we are still children. In a family, maybe big brother learns that conflict is no problem - he just uses a Directing style and little brother falls into line. It works great - until big brother gets married to a woman who doesn't Harmonize like little brother did. She wants to use a Cooperating style to work out differences and she gets angry when big brother always insists on things his way. Now he's in a life crisis. Can he adapt and learn to use other styles as well? That's the challenge for all of us. It doesn't matter which styles we prefer. The challenge is to get skilled in all of the styles and be able to use each one in settings where it is most effective.

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