Conflict is a social experience and we learn best about it in a social environment. Conversation about conflict styles with people you live or work with is especially valuable.  It's far easier and more rewarding than having an argument!

To prepare, mark in the report those points that seem especially true for you and ideas in the Partner Support section that you like.   Then talk about the things you marked up. To make this a two-way exchange, your partner can click here to purchase Style Matters for themselves at modest cost.  See these discussion questions and exercises on conflict styles you can use as a trainer, team leader, or participant.   

© Ron Kraybill 2020.  User is authorized to reproduce freely for personal or organizational use but not to disseminate or sell this report without permission.  www.RiverhouseEpress.com

About the Combination of Harmonizing and Avoiding in Storm Settings

You scored high for both Harmonizing and Avoiding in Storm. This combination has a particular character that you should be aware of.  

Strengths of this combination: Of all the style combinations, this is the lightest and least demanding for others.  The instinct with this combination, when differences arise, is either to be flexible and adapt to the needs of others (Harmonizing), or to be silent or withdraw (Avoiding).  Either way,  people with high scores in these two styles in Storm are not known for being pushy or strident.

They are in fact often greatly appreciated for their flexibility and cooperativeness.   They function particularly well in settings where tasks and roles are clearly defined and the presence of someone gracious, kind, and flexible is required to welcome others, help them find their place, and get oriented, or as part of teams of where their non-confrontive approach can help to balance those who are less gentle in relationships. 
 
Limitations of this combination:  Like all style patterns, this combination has particular limitations as well that you should be aware of. In their purest form, neither Harmonizing nor Avoiding place high priority on task.  Harmonizing prioritizes relationships; Avoiding prioritizes risk reduction.   Both styles are vulnerable to paralysis in the face of challenge or confrontation.  

The danger is that you might fail to push back or speak up in situations where you really should.  The result could be not getting missions done that others are counting on you to perform, failing to protect people you are responsible to protect, or deep personal discouragement or depression in a situation you don't feel able to change.

How to benefit from the strengths and reduce your exposure to the limitations:  

1) Think through inner resistance to conflict that you may feel.  It's good that you don't rush into conflict  but don't take it too far.  Conflict is a part of life.  If you accept this in principle, you will find it easier to allow yourself to get into conflict from time to time when duty or need requires.

2) Use a Two-Step Approach.  You may find it easier to cope with conflict if you do it in stages, so you have time to withdraw and think things through.  Your strong instinct for relationship means that in the fraught space of face-to-face discussion you may find it difficult to think well about what you need; you may thus acquiesce too quickly.  You'll benefit by arranging conversations about difficult issues so  you don't try to expose yourself to marathon talk sessions.  Try to build some time and space into the discussion process so you can ponder things in a calm space between sessions. 

Have some phrases at the ready that help you smoothly negotiate for this.  For example, in the beginning of a conversation you could say, "I've learned that I function best if I approach a conversation like this in two steps.  If you don't mind, I'd like to have a preliminary conversation today, so we can lay out the issues and the concerns we have without trying to resolve it all today.   We can think about it overnight, and then do a second round tomorrow." Or, you could negotiate for the same thing later in a conversation by saying, "I really appreciate being able to start this with you.  I usually need time to think things through and I'd like to wrap it up now, and pick it up again after we've had some time to sleep on this." 

If you propose a time for the second round at the end of the first, your request will seem more credible to others.  In any case, since you requested the delay, make sure you initiate a prompt followup.

3) Know your own preferred Support Strategies. Take a look at the Support Strategies page and study the tabs on Harmonizing and Avoiding.  Those are steps that others can take to make it easier for you to function well.  You can't make other people do that stuff but if the suggestions sound good to you, you can probably figure out some ways to ensure that discussions unfold in ways described there, especially with people close to you. 

4) Be proactive about building a support community.  It's easier to endure difficult conflict if you have a support network of family or friends you can talk to. 

5) Use practices for achieving inner clarity. Achieving inner clarity about what they want and need is a challenge for some people with this style combination.  The preference to keep things calm and stay away from trouble makes it hard even to think in the presence of confrontation, obviously a significant disadvantage.  

You can take special steps to help address this.   The Two-Step approach in #2 above assists this.  But there is more you can do.   Use journalling to help you think through your feelings and your wishes - this is a proven tool that many benefit from.  Make a private list of your goals or needs as you think through a conflict situation.  Find a coach or a good friend who can sit and think things through with you when you face a tough situation.   

6) Work for policy-based and standardized approaches. Encourage and work for as much routine, order, and standardized procedure as possible around you, and seek out environments where these are in place and respected.  When there are policies, principles, clear job descriptions, procedural guidelines, etc., that you can refer to for support or guidance when issues arise, it is easier to talk things through with others.  

Your relational instincts mean that you might be quite good at shepherding people towards creating such and devising routines to apply such policies and practices.  You will be much happier helping to create these, or referring to standardized guidelines, than living with the free-for-all chaos that inevitably arises in settings where they are absent.

About the Combination of Directing and Compromising in Storm Settings

You scored high for both Directing and Compromising in Storm. This combination has a particular character that you should be aware of so you can maximize its strengths and minimize its limitations. 

Strengths of this combination: This combination combines confidence and purposiveness (Directing) with pragmatism (Compromising).  People who have it tend to function well in settings where assertiveness and drive in the face of challenge are essential, especially where pragmatism and maintaining forward motion are important.    It's a great combo for business negotiation, management, or leadership where high energy and innovation are important.
 
Limitations of this combination:Like all style patterns, this combination has particular limitations that you should be aware of. Directing as a conflict style focuses narrowly on task or goals of the Director. Compromising as a conflict style has a moderate commitment to relationships and a moderate commitment to task. Neither style is strongly oriented towards relationships; the preference is to invest moderately but not deeply in understanding and addressing the agendas of others.

With this combo you are likely to push for your agenda (Directing) while offering a few concessions in hopes of a deal (Compromising). Sometimes those responses are exactly what is needed.

But where long-term relationships really matter and issues arise that people truly care about, this combo may not work so well. People on the opposite side are likely to be hurt and offended, feeling that you are too pushy, trying to appease by tossing a few crumbs, and not really taking them seriously.

How to benefit from the strengths and reduce your exposure to the limitations:  If the above has a ring of truth for you, you might benefit from some of these ideas:

1) Study Cooperating and Harmonizing.   Both are oriented towards relationships and the benefits of keeping others happy.  Cooperating will be particularly insightful since it too is task-oriented, but it actively supports others even while seeking to advance its own cause.

2) Work on becoming a great listener and an asker of thoughtful questions. All the skills of the Cooperating style will be worth the effort to learn, and none is more important than the ability to ask good, thoughtful questions and listen well. 

3) Slow down. Coach yourself to be willing to take more time at resolving things than might feel desirable to you.  Both Directing and Compromising styles are often favored by people who like to move fast, get ahead, wrap up the deal, etc.  Those are great instincts for some situations, but not all.  If you see things are getting tense, try slowing down and giving others more time.  

4) Consider the requirements of thoroughness, comprehensiveness and good process design.  Both Directing and Compromising as styles can be so focused on getting results that important process considerations are ignored. Are you adequately exploring all options - or just grabbing the first solution that seems to be acceptable?  Are there people who really ought to be consulted before settling on a deal?