Trainer Kathy Galleher on Using Style Matters

Consultant Oma Drawas on Using Style Matters

What Trainers Say About Style Matters

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 Try Using Avoiding More 

Low in Avoiding style of conflict resolution

You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than in other styles.  This suggests that, in early stages of conflict when things are not yet emotional, you use Avoiding less than other styles. This spares you some of the weaknesses of Avoiding.  For example, if people habitually avoid difficult discussion in a long-term partnership, bad feelings fester and grow. Energy and enthusiasm fades and the relationship may be endangered.  

But Avoiding has important uses you may be missing out on.  You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles.  So increased use of the arts of stepping back and avoiding conflict might benefit you, especially if there is a gap of 3 points or more between your lowish Avoiding score and your highest score in Calm.

When to Avoid.  In Avoiding, you respond to differences by withdrawing from interaction. Neither person gets what they want; you just avoid the topic or the person.  Although it has limits, Avoiding is wise, and indeed necessary, at times.  

Conflict takes time and energy, and it's stressful.  If we take on every battle, we run out of time and energy for the things most important to us.  Avoiding is useful when:

  • The topic is too trivial to merit an argument.
  • You have no time or energy to talk things through.
  • The conflict is with someone you have no long-term relationship with on an issue of minor importance.  Why waste the energy?
  • Key people are stressed or anxious.   High stress reduces ability to think well and self-regulate emotions.  Sometimes it's wise to delay till people are able to use their best inner resources.
  • When you're not powerful or strong enough to actively resist the demands of a more powerful party, yet need a passive form of resistance.
  • When it might be dangerous physically or emotionally to get in an argument.
  • When timing or sequence is wrong for discussion.  Eg:  Maybe you need to review the budget before debating a controversial purchase.
  • When you need time to think things through, gather more information, consult with others, etc., in preparation for discussion.

Ways to Strengthen Avoiding.  Since Avoiding seems not to come naturally for you, you might try experimenting with avoidance responses.   For example:    

  • Look before you leap into intense exchanges with people.  Consider: 1) Whether you have the time and energy required to talk things through; 2) Whether the issue is worth the time and energy required.
  • Dial back responsiveness.  It's not necessary to accept every invitation to an argument. Experiment with simply sitting in thoughtful silence as others express views you disagree with.  If silence is difficult for you, start by holding silence on something small, just for the practice of it.  
  • Delay or schedule conflict.   For example, "Interesting idea, but could we talk about that some other time?" Or "Could I give you my views on that when we've got the time to really thresh it out?" Agree that certain topics are off-limit in certain times or places.  Agree to discuss certain conflict-fraught topics, such as finances in a domestic partnership, on a regular basis, such as every second Saturday morning, but not at any other time.
  • Learn verbal responses for Avoiding. Memorize some diplomatic crutch phrases for Avoiding:  "You know, I see it a bit differently, but I respect where you are coming from...." Or "I agree we need to discuss this, but could we set this topic aside until tomorrow morning so we can focus on other things right now?" Or "You see things one way and I see them a different way.  Let's just leave it at that for now."

As you ratchet up your use of Avoiding, you'll have less drama in your life, and have more time and energy for things you care about.

 You Scored High in Compromising in Storm 

This suggests that when things get tense you look for solutions at a halfway point between yourself and others. Your hope is that if everyone accepts less than what they want the conflict will end and life can continue. Compromising has particular strengths and weaknesses that you should be aware of.

Benefits.  Strengths associated with wise use of this pragmatic style include:

High in Compromising style of conflict resolution
  • Fairness and moderation. Compromisers don't push things to an extreme.
  • Speed. An acceptable compromise can often be worked out fairly quickly.
  • Familiarity. The idea that "you give a little, I'll give a little" is readily understood and brings out the best in people.
  • Practicality. A compromise enables the show to go on.

But Don't Over-use It.  Despite its many benefits, Compromising has downsides. If you respond to every conflict with "let's both go halfway and meet in the middle" you risk:

  • Compromise of important principles or loss of important goals. There are situations where integrity or protection of people or resources requires you to take a firm stand and not to negotiate.
  • Acceptance of half-solutions that don't address the real issues or that abandon too quickly the careful exploration required to come up with effective solutions.
  • Wishy-washiness, inability to assert red lines, boundaries or principles.
  • Difficulty in resolving future conflicts if there are no principles or goals to guide resolution of problems.
  • Lost opportunities to engage others in-depth if you always make a quick compromise without looking deeply at things.
  • Lack of commitment. Those involved may drag their feet at implementing solutions they don't fully support.
  • Mediocre problem-solving skills that bring mediocre results. Quick compromises may hinder you from developing skills of in-depth problem analysis or prevent intense conversation necessary for building a deep relationship. Mediocre outcomes and lukewarm relationships may result.

Steps You Can Take to Maintain Balance.   To diversify your conflict resolution skills beyond Compromising you can:

  • Expand your conflict style repertoire. Aim to be good at all styles.
  • Pay special attention to Cooperating. The Cooperating style differs from Compromising in its greater willingness to remain in uncertainty during the time it takes to explore issues and options with others. Ask yourself: Is it important to get a quick solution? If not, Cooperating may be a better strategy since it is more likely to bring solutions that are creative and thorough.
  • Consider sustainability of solutions. Does the compromise agreement address the real issues? Will key people support it? How will it feel a year from now?
  • Consider values. Weigh whether compromise agreements are compatible with values you care about.

Support Strategies for Compromisers.  The most difficult conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues. The support strategies below are for partners who want to help you function at your best.  Given your preference for Compromising as a conflict style, others should consider using these strategies with you when differences arise:

  • Convey commitment to being fair, realistic, practical, moderate, reasonable. These matter to those who prefer the Compromising style. They respond well when others bring these values into a conversation.
  • Offer to back off from your own position. This is a familiar and respected move to the Compromiser, who will often reciprocate.
  • Use a two-step approach. With a Compromiser, this means: 1) Describe honestly to the Compromiser what your first-choice solution would be; 2) Then indicate your openness to considering something mid-way between your first choice and the Compromiser's first choice.
  • Wrap it up and move on. Compromisers have a practical orientation. Don't drag the discussion on and on. Tell the Compromiser what you want, find a middle point both of you can live with, and then get on with things. This is especially important to remember if you prefer Cooperating and probably have more tolerance for long discussion than the Compromiser.

 You Scored High in Cooperating in Storm 

This suggests that when things get tense you try to create a discussion in which both sides openly present their views and then search together for solutions that fully address needs of both.  More than any other style, Cooperating is useful in bringing positive outcomes in conflict.   But it also has critical limitations you should be aware of.

Cooperating style of conflict resolution

Cooperating has Valuable Uses.  Strengths associated with wise use of this style include:

  • Confidence and optimism. People who favor Cooperating have unusual confidence in working things out together. Their hopefulness can be a gift to others.
  • Leads to strong teams. Cooperating is committed to both task and relationship. Partners and teams who use it well become strong unit.  The work gets done in a thorough way and the people involved enjoy good relationships.
  • Innovation and creativity. Solutions that nobody had thought of before often emerge in the interactive, respectful probing typical of this style.
  • Skill at talking things through. It's impossible to use Cooperating well without strong skills for talking things through. Though not always aware they have them, people good at Cooperating often possess these skills, learned from the modeling of parents or teachers, by trial and error, or training in conflict resolution or communication.
  • Endurance. People who score high in Cooperating often have unusual stamina for talking things through. They know it takes time to find solutions that work well for everyone and they exercise patience in hearing out those they disagree with. They have confidence to present their own views and courage to keep talking even when others disagree. Their example can help others not to lose hope of finding peace in the midst of big differences.
  • Personal growth. Since they engage deeply, people who use Cooperating a lot are constantly exposed to new ideas and perspectives. They learn and grow from these and develop confidence in themselves. 
  • Trust between people. When teams or groups use Cooperating successfully, confidence in each other grows. The shared feeling is: We know how to work through our issues.

But Don't Over-Use It.  Though it has wonderful strengths, Cooperating has limits. Overuse of this valuable conflict style can bring:

  • Failure to defend people or principles that require protection.   Sometimes it's important not to work together, but instead to confront wrong.
  • Failure to get other important things done.   Cooperating takes time and energy.  Not all conflicts merit the investment it requires. Applied to many trivial issues, Cooperating backfires, as people weary of "too much processing".
  • Discouragement, low morale, sense of failure, exhaustion, or burnout, if attempted without realistic awareness of the costs.  No matter how good the intention or skill, intense problem-solving with others requires time, attention, and energy. You may run low on the personal resources for the intense conversations required.  Sometimes it is necessary to protect your core mission by limiting your use of Cooperation.
  • Increased conflict and misunderstanding, if used without consideration of status. This style involves being "up front" about what you want. A junior secretary should be cautious about using it with the company CEO. A CEO should not assume others will feel free to use it with him or her. Cooperating requires trust and a track record, especially when power and status are unequal.
  • A bad name for conflict resolution, dialogue, or peace processes. If Cooperating is pursued too long with an opponent who takes an unyielding Directing or Avoiding stance or with people who don't have the time and skills required, it may create "evidence" that talk and problem-solving don't work. Yes, a patient Cooperating approach often brings forth a Cooperating response in others, but it does not always do so. If you persist anyway and hold out unrealistic expectations, you and others may lose confidence in Cooperating as a useful response to any conflict. Over-using Cooperating may thus damage the cause of peace.

Steps You Can Take to Maintain Balance with Cooperating.  You can take special measures so you experience the benefits of wise use of Cooperating and avoid the costs of overuse:

  • Expand your skills in use of other styles so you are less likely to over-use Cooperating.
  • Choose your battles. Think carefully about which issues, relationships, and situations deserve the time and effort required for Cooperating. If you use it too often you'll run out of time and energy for people and causes you truly care about and you could even be in danger of burnout.
  • Consider dynamics of status and power. To the extent inequality is present, use a two-step approach. If you are a higher status person in a given conflict, begin with affirmation or appreciation of the other person. As a lower status person, thank or otherwise acknowledge your senior for being willing to meet to resolve things. Only after these preliminaries should you move to the open discussion typical of Cooperating.
  • Pay careful attention to timing and readiness. Recognize when the skills and attitudes required for Cooperating are present, and when they are not. Then choose your response style appropriately. Sometimes it is better to use a different strategy for a while until you or others are ready for Cooperating.
  • Do good process design. If the conflict involves numerous people, plan the process together. Usually it it not hard to agree on with whom, where, when, in what sequence things will be discussed. This "agreement on the process" will ease the discussion.
  • Monitor the length and intensity of discussion. People who favor Cooperating tend to have more energy for intense discussion than others (with the exception of Directors, who may equal Cooperators in this). Monitor your volume and intensity; offers breaks during long exchanges; arrange discussion across several rounds.

Support Strategies for Cooperators. The most disruptive conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues.  The support strategies below are addressed to partners who want to help you function at your best.   In negotiating with you, they are more likely to get a favorable response if they will:
  • Seek both/and approaches in discussion.  Even if discussion starts out like a battle, look for ways to turn it into a joint discussion of wants and needs.   One simple way to do that: Agree to take turns talking and listening.   Another: Switch from debate mode to joint analysis and problem-solving.
  • Provide good listening. Feeling heard helps all styles, but Cooperators respond particularly well to efforts to structure conversation around listening. Hear them out fully and you are likely to be surprised at how well even an angry Cooperator will listen in response. If you know the skill of "active listening" or paraphrasing, use it.
  • Be candid, without being rude or insulting. Most Cooperators respect directness and candor in others so long as it is polite. Saying what you want and need will be appreciated, particularly if you manage to say it in an attitude of "providing information about what matters most to me" rather than criticizing or making demands.
  • Stay connected and do not back down too quickly. Cooperators are assertive and make themselves heard. But this is only one part of the process. They truly want to hear other voices too. If you are silent or too quick to agree, the Cooperator ends up seeming to be a Director, which is not at all the intention. Colleagues and friends, especially those who favor Harmonizing and Avoiding and thus naturally tend to step back from confrontation, should resist the inclination to quickly back down from an assertive Cooperator.
  • Make both task and relationship a priority. Where Directors give priority to task and Harmonizers to relationship, Cooperaters give priority to both. Aim for this yourself.  Separate these two in your thinking and figure out ways you can strategically support each.  
  • Provide information about your needs in a non-dramatic way. Like the Directing style, Cooperators seek info about what is happening with others and tend to become anxious in the absence of it. They'll respect you for giving it so long as you don't dramatize.  Share info about yourself and your needs as calmly as you can.  Eg: If you're getting very upset, say so, but avoid theatrics to get the point across.  If you need some time and space to think, ask for it (rather than storming out the door) but signal your commitment to keep talking. "I want to go for a walk for half an hour to think things through. Then I'll come back and we can talk some more."
  • Communicate your needs proactively. For example, in conversation with a Cooperating, an Avoider who needs to step back and think things through might say, "I recognize we need to talk. I want to be at my best when we do that.  Could we discuss it tomorrow at 2 after the staff meeting?  That will give me a chance to sort out my thoughts."
  • Signal continuity of discussion. If you need a rest or time to think, assure the Cooperator you're committed to the discussion. Eg: "I'm worn out by this discussion. Could we take a break and continue tomorrow evening?"

 You Scored High in Directing in Storm 

This suggests that when stress and tension are high you press ahead with your own agenda and focus on what you feel needs to be said or done.  You are not deterred by opposition or quick to make concessions to others.

Low in Directing style of conflict resolution

Benefits of Directing.  Wisely used, Directing enables you:

  • To assert yourself and be heard, even in difficult circumstances.
  • To be decisive and take action in the face of challenge.
  • To take a stand on principles or to defend others in need of protection.
  • To exercise leadership and authority, to give instructions, set limits, and coordinate.  Directing is necessary in some circumstances: A ship's captain, an emergency room doctor, a traffic officer in an intersection, the leader of a youth group on a field trip, or someone under physical threat are examples of people who need to focus on their goals and not be be distracted from them, even if others are upset. A high score in Directing suggests unusual ability to decide, act, take charge, coordinate, do challenging work, protect others, and persist rather than give up or give in when things are difficult.

But Don't Over-use It.  Directing has important strengths, but use this forceful style with care. Ignoring the feelings of others is necessary at times, but over-use of Directing will bring:

  • Frequent conflict with peers and superiors.
  • Damage to relationships important to you.
  • Low morale, resentment, discouragement, or depression in others. Those living or working with someone who uses Directing excessively are at risk for depression. They often Avoid or Harmonize in order not to be in constant tension with the Director, but the disappointment and frustration accumulate.
  • Bossiness and contentiousness between those who look up to you if your conduct sets the standard for how to behave.
  • Reduced access to important information, processes, and perspectives. If others decide it's too difficult to work things out with you, they will reduce communication with you. Your ability to influence and lead may also be reduced.

Take Steps to Maintain Balance with Directing.   You can do things to help you experience more benefits of wise use of Directing and fewer costs of overuse:

  • Increase your context awareness. Directing is a gift where strong coordination and direction from one person are essential. It's a requirement in part of life, but not all of it. When people expect equality and respectful behavior, which after all is most situations, they resent being on the receiving end of Directing. Recognize this and you will avoid the Achilles Heel of this style. Read the context you are in and adapt accordingly. When in doubt, dial back on Directing instincts - you can ratchet up assertiveness later if required, but relationships may never recover if you come on too strong and cause resentment. 
  • Expand your skills in other styles and do not rely more than necessary on Directing. In particular, master the skills of the Cooperating style.  Like directing, it too is assertive, but it adds relational skills. For example....
  • Hone skills in listening well. Being a good listener rarely detracts from the ability to act decisively when necessary and the info gained increases helps you make better decisions. If you are a good listener, others are more likely to experience you as having strength tempered by wisdom rather than as simply pig-headed.
  • Work on relationships. Look for opportunities to support, affirm, and appreciate others. Read the section on Support Strategies for each style for specific suggestions on how to support each of the other styles. The Support Strategies for Cooperating, Harmonizing, and Avoiding will be especially useful info for you, for they guide in doing things that many high-scoring Directors never realize others need.
  • Be in charge in ways that respect and honor others. This is an art that requires practice. Pay close attention to your tone of voice and body language, for a great deal is communicated by these. Be both strong and supportive towards others.
  • Consult with others where possible. Invite their input and incorporate as much as you can into your work. Doing this does not limit your authority to make final decisions.  Consulting works better if you refrain from negotiating or persuading as you do it. Focus on listening, learning, and gathering input, about both the issues and about how people are experiencing the discussion process. 

Support Strategies for Directors.  The most difficult conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues.  The support strategies below are for a partner who wants to help you function at your best.  
With someone like you who prefers Directing as a conflict style, others will get a more favorable response if they:
  • Display commitment to task. People who score high in Directing are task-oriented. They appreciate when others are task-oriented too and focus on getting the job done.
  • Be action oriented. Directors get frustrated with inaction; they want to make a decision and act.
  • Provide information and updates frequently. Directors value information so they know what is going on.
  • Speak up. Many Directors function better when others speak up. In appropriate settings, provide information about your views and intentions; don't go silent.
  • Show commitment to the discussion process. Directors want to know that things are going to get resolved. Don't walk out or withdraw without explanation. If you need a break from intense conversation, use a two-step approach: 1) Explain that you need a break and will come back at a specific time (in an hour, a day, a week, etc.) to continue the discussion; 2) Return at the agreed time for further conversation. This addresses the Director's need to feel confident the discussion will in fact take place.
  • Separate task activities and relationship-building. Do relationship-building in times, places, and ways that don't hinder getting the task done. Then Directors are more likely to join in with enthusiasm.
  • Show a positive, problem-solving attitude. Don't just tell a Director there is a problem.  Show that you are willing to put initiative into helping solve it. Communicate what you want rather than going on about what you don't want.

If these ideas about supporting you appeal to you, try discussing them with a trustworthy person with whom you live or work.  They will almost certainly appreciate suggestions for how to interact with you in times of stress and conflict.


 You Scored High in Avoiding in Storm 

This suggests that, when stress and tension are high, you step back or withdraw in order to keep things calm. Avoiding has unique strengths and weaknesses that you should be aware of.

Low in Avoiding style of conflict resolution

Avoiding has Important Uses.  Strengths associated with wise use of this style include:

  • Ability to stay out of needless battles over trivial issues not worth the time and energy consumed by confrontation.
  • Calmness and stability.
  • Conservation of time and energy.
  • Caution in the face of risk. Avoiding allows for caution and planning. It gives space to think things through, pay attention to details, and count the cost. Avoiders are not quick to jump into something new or risky, and if their needs for forethought and careful procedure are addressed, they may bring unusual reliability to implementing agreements that result.

But Don't Over-Use It.  Each style has costs that come with over-reliance on that style. With Avoiding, these are not immediately obvious - things may stay quiet for a while! But over-use of Avoiding has high long-term costs. These include:

  • Paralysis or lack of resolution of important issues.
  • Periodic explosions of pent-up anger. Avoiding does not resolve conflict; it only prevents confrontation. At a certain point, your anger may reach a level where you are no longer able to be silent and contain it. This can create "long stretches of cottony silence interrupted by periodic explosions", as one person described patterns in a conflict avoidant group.
  • A residue of bad feelings that can poison the whole relationship, leading to...
  • Slow death of relationships.
  • Stagnation, dullness, declining interest and energy.
  • Loss of engagement, trust, and accountability with others.

How to Maintain Balance with Avoiding.  You can take steps to experience more benefits of wise use of Avoiding and fewer costs of overuse:

  • Recognize conflict as an inevitable part of life that can in fact bring valuable results. There are many websites and books on skills for conflict resolution. See the section on Avoiding in the Free Web Resources page on our site for ideas. Studying these may increase your confidence that you can indeed talk about and resolve differences.
  • Expand use of other styles so you are less likely to over-use Avoiding. Try Compromising - it shares a concern held by Avoiding not to prolong discussion over differences. Yet Compromising invests at least some effort in discussion and actively seeks a reasonable compromise.
  • Approach important conversations and decisions in phases. Some Avoiders have a strong orientation towards examining details and understanding implications before committing to things. They are likely to say NO to anything requiring an immediate answer. If you recognize this in yourself, approach discussion in ways that turn this pattern into a strength. Request a several step approach to discussion:
    First step, a discussion to identify the issues or problems.

    Second step, study or think about the issue on your own.
    Third step, return for a discussion with others. Know that other styles, particularly Directing, prefer immediate discussion and resolution, but will usually accept a phased approach if spelled out specifically - when, where, how long, etc.
  • Give yourself space to examine facts, details, precedents, etc., as part of a negotiation process.
  • Read or take a course in assertiveness skills.
  • Maintain personal disciplines of rest, reflection, quietness, journaling, etc. This helps all styles, and none more so than Avoiders.

Support Strategies for Avoiders.  The most painful and time-consuming conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues. This section is for partners who want to help you function at your best.  Given your preference for Avoiding, others are more likely to get a favorable response from you if they:
  • Stay low-key. When others are intense or demanding, an Avoider may avoid even more. Try to create safe space, rather than goading an Avoider to engage.
  • Give space and time to withdraw and think things through. More than other styles Avoiders need this.
  • Move slowly, one step at a time. Haste in decision making can push Avoiders into withdrawal or analysis paralysis.
  • Provide information with time to review it.  Some Avoiders are task focused in a particular way: They bring caution and attention to detail to everything they do. They take care not to put important things at risk. They want to be reliable and consistent. These Avoiders need data and information, presented in a calm and methodical way, in order to comfortably enter negotiations. Others should make special efforts to provide them with relevant details, about plans, options, costs, rules, precedents from elsewhere, expected results, how surprises will be dealt with, etc. If possible, give an Avoider time to absorb this information before expecting to negotiate.
  • Use a three-step approach. Others are more likely to get a "yes" answer from an Avoider with a "three-step" approach. First: Let an Avoider know - in a relaxed way - that a discussion is needed and request a time to have this. Second: Give time for the Avoider to think things through - an hour, a day, or a week. Third: Have the discussion.

Avoiding style of conflict resolution

 
      YOU FAVOR AVOIDING in Storm   

This suggests that, when stress and tension are high, you step back or withdraw in order to keep things calm. Avoiding has particular strengths and weaknesses that you should be aware of.



Avoiding has Important Uses

Strengths associated with wise use of this style include:

  • Ability to stay out of needless battles over trivial issues not worth the time and energy consumed by confrontation.
  • Calmness and stability.
  • Conservation of time and energy.
  • Caution in the face of risk. Avoiding allows for caution and planning. It gives space to think things through, pay attention to details, and count the cost before plunging into risky situations. Avoiders are not quick to jump into something new, but if their needs for forethought and careful procedure are addressed, they bring unusual reliability to implementing agreements that result.

But Don't Over-Use It

Each style has costs that come with over-reliance on that style. With Avoiding, these are not immediately obvious. Things may stay quiet for a while! But over-use of Avoiding has high long-term costs. These include:

  • Paralysis or lack of resolution of important issues.
  • Periodic explosions of pent-up anger. Avoiding does not resolve conflict; it only prevents confrontation. At a certain point, your anger may reach a level where you are no longer able to be silent and contain it. This can create "long stretches of cottony silence interrupted by periodic explosions", as one person described patterns in a conflict avoidant group.
  • A residue of bad feelings that can poison the whole relationship, leading to...
  • Slow death of relationships.
  • Stagnation, dullness, declining interest and energy.
  • Loss of engagement, trust, and accountability with others.

How to Maintain Balance with Avoiding

You can take steps to experience more benefits of wise use of Avoiding and fewer costs of overuse:

  • Recognize conflict as an inevitable part of life that can in fact bring valuable results. There are many websites and books on skills for conflict resolution. See the section on Avoiding in the Free Web Resources page on our site for ideas. Studying these may increase your confidence that you can indeed talk about and resolve differences.
  • Expand use of other styles so you are less likely to over-use Avoiding. Try Compromising - it shares a concern held by Avoiding not to prolong discussion over differences. Yet Compromising invests at least some effort in discussion and actively seeks a reasonable compromise. 
  • Approach important conversations and decisions in phases. Some Avoiders have a strong orientation towards examining details and understanding implications before committing to things. They are likely to say NO to anything requiring an immediate answer. If you recognize this in yourself, approach discussion in ways that turn this pattern into a strength. Request a several step approach to discussion:
    First step
    , a discussion to identify the issues or problems.
    Second step, study or think about the issue on your own.
    Third step, return for a discussion with others. Know that other styles, particularly Directing, prefer immediate discussion and resolution, but will usually accept a phased approach if spelled out specifically - when, where, how long, etc.
  • Give yourself space to examine facts, details, precedents, etc., as part of a negotiation process.
  • Read or take a course in assertiveness skills.
  • Maintain personal disciplines of rest, reflection, quietness, journaling, etc. This helps all styles, and none more so than Avoiders.

Support Strategies for Avoiders


The most painful and time-consuming conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues in life, work or organizations. Conflict style awareness can be a big help here, for if partners understand each other's style preferences they can avoid needless trouble over how to approach differences. This section is for  partners who want to help you function at your best or for you in thinking through your preferences.

With someone who prefers Avoiding as a conflict style, others are more likely to get a favorable response if they:

  • Stay low-key.  When others are intense or demanding, an Avoider may avoid even more.  Focus on creating safe space, not on goading an Avoider to engage.
  • Give space and time to withdraw and think things through. More than other styles Avoiders need this.
  • Move slowly, one step at a time. Haste in decision making can push Avoiders into withdrawal or analysis paralysis.
  • Use a three-step approach. Others are more likely to get a "yes" answer from an Avoider with a "three-step" approach. First: Let an Avoider know - in a relaxed way - that a discussion is needed and request a time to have this. Second: Give time for the Avoider to think things through - an hour, a day, or a week. Third: Have the discussion.
  • Provide information with time to review it. There is a subgroup of Avoiders who are task focused in a particular way: They bring caution and attention to detail to everything they do. They take care not to put important things at risk. They are reliable and consistent. These Avoiders need data and information, presented in a calm and methodical way, in order to comfortably enter negotiations. Others should make special efforts to provide them with relevant details, about plans, options, costs, rules, precedents from elsewhere, expected results, how surprises will be dealt with, etc. If possible, give time to absorb this information before expecting to negotiate. See also three-step approach in previous paragraph.