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You Scored High in Harmonizing in Storm

This suggests that when tension is high, you make effort to please the other person and keep the relationship strong, rather than pressing ahead with your own agenda. Harmonizing has a particular set of strengths and weaknesses that you should be aware of.

Low in Harmonizing style of conflict resolution

Harmonizing has Valuable Strengths

Characteristics of this style include:

Flexible, adaptable, accommodating.
Sociable; gets along well with others.
Easy-going and pleasant.
Others feel value and respected.
Sensitive to the needs to others.

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But Don't Over-Use It

If you use Harmonizing when other styles are called for, the consequences can be difficult:

Accumulation of resentment in you towards those you are trying to please, likely leading to...
Reduced interest and enthusiasm on your part for relationships in which your needs are always overlooked;
Depression, if your needs and opinions are never recognized;
Lack of direction or principle if you never take a stand on things important to you;
Failure to advocate for or protect others in your care;
Continuation of things that ought to be challenged.

Take Steps to Maintain Balance

You can take special measures so you experience more of the benefits of wise use of Harmonizing and fewer of the costs of overuse.

Expand your use of other styles so you are less likely to over-use Harmonizing. Pay special attention to the Cooperating style, which draws on relational skills you already have but adds greater assertiveness about your own needs.
Prepare for discussion by thinking through carefully what you value or need. Your relational orientation may make it difficult to think in the heat of difficult discussion. Thinking things through in advance will make it easier to hold out for things important to you.
Strengthen assertiveness skills. With practice you can develop confidence in your ability to assert what you need without damaging relationships. Roleplaying these skills is particularly helpful in learning them.
Create a Personal Mission Statement. People of all styles benefit from this, but creating a private written statement of your life's major purposes is likely to benefit you especially, by identifying personal anchors to stick to when others make demands.
Create a small "reference council" of wise and trusted friends to consult with about a major conflict. Harmonizers seek strength in relationships. Be proactive about organizing time with people who will support you and help you to "stay the course" when necessary.
Establish practices and routines of self-care. Stress and tension wear down everyone, but Harmonizers may be more vulnerable than others. When you have important negotiations, try to be well-rested, schedule frequent breaks, and keep discussions to a moderate length.

Support Strategies for Harmonizers

The most difficult conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues. The support strategies below are for partners who want to help you function at your best. Given your preference for Harmonizing as a conflict style, others should consider using these strategies with you when differences arise:

Put relationship before task. Relationships always come before tasks for people who favor the Harmonizing style (the opposite of those who favor Directing). In work or negotiations with Harmonizers, use a two-step approach: 1) Begin on a light note and chit-chat for a few minutes, about the weekend, family, sports, etc. 2) Only then settle down to work or serious discussion.
Make small gestures of friendship. Even more than other styles, Harmonizers appreciate a thoughtful note, a compliment, an offer of a something to drink, a well-chosen gift, a card, acknowledgement of work well done, etc. Harmonizers will go farther with you in following discussions or work if you first set the stage with such gestures.
Talk about things in a way that is not angry or hostile. Keep your volume down and listen well. Do not exaggerate or dramatize your emotions, for the Harmonizer already hears and feels them at an amplified level.
Keep it light. Harmonizers tune out of conversations that are long, heavy, and intense. Show a sense of humor, express appreciation, be positive.
Invite disagreement or criticism. Since Harmonizers value relationships and hate offending anyone, they are not quick to speak their mind if they think others disagree. If you want a candid opinion, make it easier for a Harmonizer by letting them know you really want to hear what they think. And of course, don't betray your words by over-reacting.
Avoid marathons. Harmonizers handle long discussions better if you take regular breaks and "lighten up" from time to time.
Voice appreciation. Task-focused people who work with Harmonizers should make special effort to notice and appreciate the Harmonizer and their contributions.

As a Harmonizer you might want to pick out things above that seem true for you and discuss them with people you live or work with.

**Try using Harmonizing more**

You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than other styles. This suggests that in early stages of conflict, when it's just an everyday disagreement and things are not yet emotional, you use Harmonizing less than other styles. This helps you avoid possible weaknesses of the Harmonizing style (such as difficulty in taking a stand on things that matter, or inability to press ahead with important tasks if others challenge you).

But Harmonizing has important strengths you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increased use of Harmonizing might be beneficial, especially if the gap between your lowish Harmonizing score and your highest score in other styles is 3 or more.

Benefits of Harmonizing. In Harmonizing, you give high priority to the relationship and keeping the other person happy, and a lower priority to tasks or your own agenda. You set aside your own preferences as necessary in order to please the other person and keep the relationship strong. It's not right for all circumstances, but Harmonizing is a wise response sometimes. For example:

When the other person cares a great deal more about getting their preferences than do you.
When insisting on your own preferences will damage relationships that are important to you.
To maintain a balance of give-and-take in a long-term partnerships. If a partner in work or life feels there is not a balance of give and take, resentment creeps in. You can help balance things by using Harmonizing responses more, especially on issues that are not so important to you.
To bring warmth and joy to any long-term relationship.

Ways to Strengthen Your Use of Harmonizing

To Harmonize you give good attention and support to others and their needs and less to your own. Ways to do that:

Work on listening skills. Learn "Active Listening" or paraphrasing, and practice until you are good. When you listen well, harmonizing is easier.
Lighten up. Slow down and inquire about others. Ask questions about things others are likely to enjoy talking about. Smile. Show a sense of humor. Build in some moments for chit-chat or relaxing along with serious discussion.
Do conflict analysis from the perspective of your counterpart. As sympathetically as you can, make a list in private of your best guess as to the preferences, needs and challenges of a person you are in conflict with. Then look for ways to address them.
Work on both task and relationship. If you scored low in Harmonizing in Calm, you are probably pretty task focused. To balance this, recognize two challenges in conflict: a) the tasks or issues the conflict is about; and b) the relationship. Make special efforts to support the relationship. For example...
In negotiations, use a two-step approach to establish a connection before serious work with others. First, connect as people by asking your counterpart how they are doing, inquiring about a family member, thanking them for something, etc. Then, and only then, settle down to business.

Continue to use the other styles as well. But you may wish to experiment with getting more comfortable with Harmonizing, especially in relationships important to you or where connecting has been difficult.

**Try Using Compromising More**

You scored lower in Compromising in Calm settings than other styles. Consider whether you are under-using this style in early stages of conflict, when things are not yet emotional.

Of course, not using Compromising helps you avoid the pitfalls that come with the style, such as possible compromise of important values or principles, failing to examine problems in depth, or settling for "half solutions" that don't really help anyone.

But Compromising has important strengths you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increased use of Compromising might be beneficial, especially if the gap between your lowish Compromising score and your highest score in Calm is 3 or more.

Benefits of Compromising. In Compromising, you seek prompt resolution of a conflict with a solution that gives both sides some of what they want but less than their full preference. You give in a bit in return for the other side giving in a bit. Compromising is not right for every situation, but it has strong advantages:

Speed. An acceptable compromise can often be worked out fairly quickly.
Familiarity. The idea that "you give a little, I'll give a little" seems reasonable and helps bring out the best in people.
Fairness. It conveys a sense of principle and moderation.
Practicality. A compromise enables things to move on.

Ideas for Expanding Use of Compromising. Experiment with the following to get better at compromising. None is perfect for everyone; pick those that appeal to you:

Review the costs of conflict. Compromising brings realism to conflict resolution. A low score in Compromising suggests you may benefit if you pay more attention to the costs of unresolved difficulties. This might help you accept "less than perfect" in order to resolve things and move on. If you scored high in Cooperating (in either Calm or Storm), this point is especially true, since those styles tend to come with high persistence.
Reduce the amount of time you give to discussing and processing. A big difference between Compromising and Cooperating is that the latter invests more time in discussion and examination of options. If you tend to spend a lot of time in long discussions, experiment with setting a time limit for working out a deal. This will shift you towards compromising.
Review priorities. Consider what else is making claims on your time and energy, in addition to the issue in conflict. Look at the conflict in this context and ask yourself where is your time and attention most needed?
Lighten up a bit. Inability to compromise sometimes means people take every conflict as a survival test. What if you took yourself or your mission a little less seriously? What would happen if you'd smile or be mischievous?
Expand your options; don't put all your eggs in one basket. Try to increase your alternatives for accomplishing the purposes you have in mind. This will make it easier to accept less than perfect solutions.

The other styles you scored high in are valuable - keep using them! But you may wish to experiment with getting more comfortable with Compromising, especially when a practical solution is needed quickly; or when it is important for everyone to get at least some of what they wanted.

**Try Using Cooperating More**

You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than other styles. This suggests that in early stages of conflict, when it's just an everyday disagreement and things are not yet emotional, you use Cooperating less than other styles. This helps you avoid possible weaknesses of the Cooperating style, such as spending too much time and energy debating every small issue.

But Cooperating also has important strengths. If the gap between your Cooperating score in Calm and your highest score in another style in Calm is 3 points or more, you may be missing out on these strengths. Conflict is easier if you are good at all five styles, so you may get quick gains with more use of this style.

Strengths of Cooperating. Cooperating is a "both...and..." response to conflict. You both assert your own needs and support your opponent by thoughtfully hearing and supporting their needs. Cooperating requires investing time and energy into conversation to look at the needs of both sides and seek ways to address both.

Although it's not right for all circumstances, Cooperating is wise and necessary at times:

When you care deeply about a conflicted issue in a relationship that matters to you.
Where keeping both sides happy is important.
When significant truth exists in the views of both sides.
When you seek a creative new solution that requires careful study of all sides of the situation.
When you want to develop skills of problem analysis and problem solving that may strengthen your capacity in other areas as well.
When you want to create a sense of teamwork, high morale, and confidence in taking on difficult issues.
When you want to break out of dynamics of competition and demonstrate ways of dealing with conflict that go beyond competition.

Improving Your Ability to Cooperate

Cooperating involves two sets of skills, asserting your own views and supporting your counterpart. Each set of skills requires some practice to learn in its own right. In the Cooperating conflict style you use them simultaneously. Because they have very differing qualities, these two skill sets may seem to be in tension with each other.

While you are still learning the skills, it helps to think of cooperating as taking turns. One side speaks while the other listens carefully. Then the other side speaks while the first listens.

Unless you were lucky enough to have good modeling of Cooperating by adults in your childhood, it may feel strange in the beginning. Expect to spend some time reading about and practicing this style to get good at it. A good place to start is with Lee Jay Berman's essay, "13 Tools for Resolving Conflict in the Workplace, with Customers and in Life". There are essays on this Riverhouse page (scroll to the section "Cooperating and Compromising as Conflict Styles") that offer many good ideas.

The styles you scored high in are valuable. Keep using them! But you may wish to experiment with getting more comfortable with Cooperating, especially in settings where you really care about both the relationship and the issues involved.

**Try Using Directing More**

You scored lower in Directing in Calm settings than other styles, so you probably rarely use this style. This helps you avoid possible weaknesses of the Directing style, such as being inflexible or insensitive to relationships.

But Directing also has important strengths you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increasing your use of Directing might be beneficial, especially if the gap between your Directing score and your highest style in Calm is 3 or more.

In Directing you focus on your own wishes or duties. You ignore, while using this style, the wishes and feelings of others. Although it has obvious limits, Directing is necessary sometimes. A ship's captain in rough seas, an emergency room physician, the leader of a youth group on a field trip, the parent of a child running towards the street - all serve others best by being strongly in charge. They should not worry too much, for the moment, about the feelings and preferences of others.

When to Use Directing. Almost everyone needs to use Directing occasionally. It is valuable for:

Asserting yourself and being heard;
Setting limits or boundaries when others are acting inappropriately and not responsive to requests for cooperation;
Taking a stand on principles that are being violated or defending others in need of protection.
Exercising strong leadership and authority, giving instructions, setting limits, giving rapid coordination, without being distracted by those who may disagree.
Emergency management. When lives and property depend on fast, decisive action, Directing is a gift. For this reason, police, military, and emergency services operate with Directing as the primary style of leadership.

How to Strengthen Directing. Experiment with strategies that will make it easier to use Directing when needed:

Use purpose statements, which are concise statements of your priorities or intentions like "My purpose is...." or "What I'm trying to accomplish is...." When you have a clear, conscious focus on your purpose, you can more easily let others know what is required without being over-bearing.
Focus more on your duties and roles in conflicts than you have in the past, and a little less on feelings and relationships. All of us face situations, especially in leadership, when our role requires us to do or say things that make certain people unhappy in order to avoid damage or unfairness to others.
Recognize phases. We can't be all things all the time. Some moments require toughness; others generosity. With children, for example, adults know that sometimes we have to be strict. We tell a child to turn off the computer when it it late, and we shrug at the stormy response. But on a weekend, we may let the child have hours of screentime. When we have a clear understanding of where and how we seek to please others or work on relationships, it is easier to be firm when necessary.
Pay attention to your physical presence. Strong body language and tone of voice help in pulling off a Directing response. If this is a challenge for you, ask someone you trust to give you feedback on how to strengthen your physical presence. Roleplay some conversations where you need to be strong.
Careful with threats. The ability to threaten consequences is an important resource for Directing in some settings. But size threats carefully. Too small and they have no impact. Too big and you'll hesitate to use them or worse, fail to act on them once made. Think through an escalating series of threats and always choose the smallest capable of getting the results you seek.

Ratchet up use of Directing slowly and see how it feels. The styles you already use are valuable - keep using them! But experiment with Directing so you can use it when you must act decisively, take charge, coordinate, do difficult work, and persist in the face of big challenges or difficult people.

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